I like superheroes and I like America so I thought, “Alright. I’ll see that movie.” I figured Captain America would be a really awesome superhero with sweet powers, but it turns out he’s just a guy with a silly hat and a stupid shield. Who uses a shield?
Captain America: Five Stars
So Captain America is this guy who used to be really skinny who joins the army because he wants to be cool like his friend. Nobody likes him because he’s so skinny, but then, this army doctor is like “I like you. You can join the army now. We’ll drink schnapps later.” So he joins the army and is really bad at it, and nobody likes him at all. Especially the guy from Men in Black who isn’t Will Smith. He’s the Sergeant and he’s mean. Then this English girl is like “I like you. You can be Captain America now.” She takes him to a secret lab in this old lady’s basement and then they give him shots to make him a superhero. Apparently, super hero in the past just means a strong guy. He’s strong now.
A nazi spy comes and shoots the doctor and Captain America chases him. Now Captain is like “Sweet, I’m strong and can go to the army.” but the army is like “Actually you can’t. But you can go be in plays. Put on this dumb outfit.” So he’s in plays and movies. Alright, look, just fight nazis already.
After like forever, he decides he’s sick of dressing up and tells the Men in Black guy he’s going to fight. He’s like no, but the English girl is like yes so he fights Nazis. This isn’t as exciting as you want it to be because he just uses guns and tanks and stuff. Captain America has no superpowers except throwing his shield around. The bad guy is actually super cool and has a red skull, and you kind of root for him, which is weird because he’s a Nazi. But he doesn’t really have superpowers either except for lasers.
Anyway, Captain America fights some guys in a montage that’s like fifty minutes long, and in it his friend from earlier dies when he jumps off a train. Captain is sad but the English girl tells him, “Keep fighting. You’re Captain America.” So he does.
At the end he fights with Agent Smith Red Skull and takes over his bad guy plane. Instead of landing it, Captain America decides to crash it into the North Pole. Why? I don’t know. He doesn’t even try to live at all. The English girl is very sad that he died because she had a crush on him ever since before when he was skinny and lame. But Captain America didn’t die, because he was frozen, and at the end he wakes up in the past but it actually ends up being the present.
Look, if you’re making a super hero, he has to be super. If you’re going to give a guy a red skull, he better breathe fire or something sweet. I feel like Wolverine would be a better Captain America and he’s from Canada I think. If Captain America could fly or shoot lasers from his eyes or something I might have been more into it. Even Batman has gadgets at least.
Drinking game: Drink every time someone says Captain.