I like superheroes and I like America so I thought, “Alright. I’ll see that movie.” I figured Captain America would be a really awesome superhero with sweet powers, but it turns out he’s just a guy with a silly hat and a stupid shield. Who uses a shield?

Captain America: Five Stars


So Captain America is this guy who used to be really skinny who joins the army because he wants to be cool like his friend. Nobody likes him because he’s so skinny, but then, this army doctor is like “I like you. You can join the army now. We’ll drink schnapps later.” So he joins the army and is really bad at it, and nobody likes him at all. Especially the guy from Men in Black who isn’t Will Smith. He’s the Sergeant and he’s mean.  Then this English girl is like “I like you. You can be Captain America now.” She takes him to a secret lab in this old lady’s basement and then they give him shots to make him a superhero. Apparently, super hero in the past just means a strong guy. He’s strong now.

A nazi spy comes and shoots the doctor and Captain America chases him. Now Captain is like “Sweet, I’m strong and can go to the army.” but the army is like “Actually you can’t. But you can go be in plays. Put on this dumb outfit.” So he’s in plays and movies. Alright, look, just fight nazis already.

After like forever, he decides he’s sick of dressing up and tells the Men in Black guy he’s going to fight. He’s like no, but the English girl is like yes so he fights Nazis. This isn’t as exciting as you want it to be because he just uses guns and tanks and stuff. Captain America has no superpowers except throwing his shield around. The bad guy is actually super cool and has a red skull, and you kind of root for him, which is weird because he’s a Nazi. But he doesn’t really have superpowers either except for lasers.

Anyway, Captain America fights some guys in a montage that’s like fifty minutes long, and in it his friend from earlier dies when he jumps off a train. Captain is sad but the English girl tells him, “Keep fighting. You’re Captain America.” So he does.

At the end he fights with Agent Smith Red Skull and takes over his bad guy plane. Instead of landing it, Captain America decides to crash it into the North Pole. Why? I don’t know. He doesn’t even try to live at all. The English girl is very sad that he died because she had a crush on him ever since before when he was skinny and lame. But Captain America didn’t die, because he was frozen, and at the end he wakes up in the past but it actually ends up being the present.

Look, if you’re making a super hero, he has to be super. If you’re going to give a guy a red skull, he better breathe fire or something sweet. I feel like Wolverine would be a better Captain America and he’s from Canada I think. If Captain America could fly or shoot lasers from his eyes or something I might have been more into it. Even Batman has gadgets at least.

Drinking game: Drink every time someone says Captain.

I watched this movie because I knew the Rain Man was in it. The title made me think there would be more action like Cowboys and Aliens, but overall the movie’s actually kind of boring. There are no Indians at all, but there are boobs, so that’s cool.

Midnight Cowboy: Five Stars

Ok, Midnight Cowboy is about this cowboy who quits his job and goes to New York to become a hustler. I thought that meant being good at pool but it actually means having sex a lot, so he wants to do that. When he gets there he lives in a hotel and meets the guy from Rain Man (finally! There’s like 20 minutes before that). He’s named after the rat in the Muppets, Ratso. Ratso tells Midnight he’ll help him have sex more, so he takes him to see an old creepy religious guy. The guy tries to get Midnight to pray, so he runs away. So then Midnight gets really poor and he and Fatso live together like hobos.

They eat gruel or something and steal fruits from Italians. Gay guys make fun of them a lot. The one cool thing they do is go to this party and smoke drugs and take lots of pictures with this brother and sister. Midnight takes a woman home to have sex and leaves Rain Man who falls down the stairs.

Oh, also, Midnight has gay sex with a glasses boy in a movie theater. Everybody who’s gay and likes sex in New York dresses like a cowboy. After the movie and gay stuff Midnight and glasses boy go to the bathroom together. He’s like, “Look, if I’m gonna have sex with guys, I need money, glasses boy.” Glass boy wants to fight, but Midnight doesn’t take money from him because you can’t steal from a guy who can’t see. Midnight has morals.

Also, he has a lot of weird sad flashbacks. Sometimes it’s of his grandma having sex with guys. Sometimes it’s of guys having sex with his girlfriend. Weird. Anyway, at the end Rain Man wants to go to Florida so Midnight takes him. The movie ends when Rain Man pees his pants and dies on the bus.

Overall, I’d say this movie isn’t as great as people say. If you want to watch a cowboy movie, you should get a John Wayne one. If you want a Rain Man movie, watch Rain Man or Meet the Fockers. Both are way funnier than this and don’t have the weird stuff.

Midnight Cowboy Drinking Game: Every time somebody says Cowboy or Ratso.

For months everyone was like, “Inception!” But at first I was like, “Who cares about dreams? And who knows what Inception is?” Well, now that it’s up for an Oscar, I figured I’d watch it, but I still don’t understand what inception is. I guess it’s like breaking into a dream.

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Everybody seems to like stuff about the future, so when somebody told me to read the book Children of Men, I was like “No way, but I’ll watch the movie.” Well, as it turns out, in the future everyone will be English, and old, and use the same old boring guns we have today.

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So, I watched The Omen because supposedly it’s got the devil. And a kid kills a lot of people. All sounded good. Unfortunately, only a handful of people die, and the movie actually feels like it’s just Evil Mary Poppins in boring old England. Now that I think about it, Evil Mary Poppins would be a sweet movie, even sweeter than this one.

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My friend Kate was like, “Yo, this movie’s good.” And I was like “Well, if there’s blood in the title, it’s probably pretty good,” so I watched it. However, there is not nearly enough blood. There should be more blood. A better title for this movie would be: There’s Going to Be a Little Bit of Blood, But Mostly a Lot of Oil and People Talking About Oil, and Sometimes People Not Even Talking at All. But I guess that wouldn’t fit on DVDs.

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Lots of people have told me not all cartoons are for kids, and I say to them, “Yeah, but most cartoons suck, like Blues Clues.” Well, everybody talks about Snow White as being really good, so I figured I’d watch it and review it. As it turns out, it’s pretty boring.

Snow White: Five Stars

So, Snow White’s this princess who dresses in really crappy clothes that she made herself like a hipster, and the Queen hates her for being prettier than her. Personally, I think a better reason for hating Snow White would be that she has a made up name, and always (I mean always) is singing at birds and squirrels. She is so obsessed with the sound of her own voice that she sings down a well just to hear her own echo singing back to her.

All this singing, fake poverty, and crazy stage name Snow White has drive the Queen crazy, so she tells a hunter to kill Snow White when she’s out in the woods. I don’t know why a princess would be walking around the woods, when she has servants to do that, but she does. While she’s out there, she kisses a bird. This is weird. Clearly this girl has issues, and isn’t a threat to the Queen. Of course, the Queen has some mental problems as well, because she talks to her mirror a lot (like father like son, as they say, but about girls).

The hunter sees Snow White kiss this bird, and is like “Hey, Snow, just get out of here. You’re too mentally handicapped to kill. You’ll probably die out in the forest anyway.” Then he cries, and Snow White runs away through the trees. The trees come to life and attack her (like in Evil Dead but without the raping), until she passes out.

From there, things get even weirder. She talks to all the animals, and then she sings them a song about singing songs, and they lead her to a tiny little house. Something is clearly wrong with this girl Snow’s brain. She must be on acid or something. When she gets there, she and the animals clean up (again with a song). Not even Britney Spears movies have this much singing. After that, she goes to sleep. Never once does she worry about who lives here, or what they’re gonna do. Talk about a spoiled princess.

Then these tiny men sing in a mine and play with diamonds, and come back to the house. At first they’re like “Let’s kill whoever’s in our house,” but then they see it’s Snow, and they’re like “We can’t just kill this retarded girl.” They’re all dwarfs, and she guesses all their names correctly. Doc has a speech impediment and wears glasses, Dopey looks like that crazy looking guy from The Goonies, and Grumpy’s the only guy reasonable enough to be upset by this stranger sleeping in their beds. He shouldn’t even be called Grumpy, he should be called Rational.

So, they all hang out and she makes them wash their hands, which they’ve never done before, and they all become great pals, even though she makes them sleep on the floor and takes all seven of their beds. This Snow character is totally stuck up, nobody needs seven beds. After they’re all friends, the Queen talks with her mirror again, and the mirror’s like, “Snow White’s not dead, you know. She’s living with dwarfs.” So the Queen decides to re-kill her, this time by herself though.

The Queen uses magic to disguise herself as an old lady (like that’s believable), and poisons an apple. She then goes and gives the apple to Snow to eat, who’s like, “I don’t know…” I bet she was worried the apple wasn’t free range or whatever. But the Queen’s like “It makes wishes come true,” which Snow White believes because she’s so stupid. So she eats it, and is like “I love this guy, I wish he’d find me and love me and stuff.” Oh, earlier, she fell in love with this guy, because he loved her singing almost as much as she did. So, she bites it and passes out.

Then the Queen dies when she is struck by lightning and falls off a cliff and is crushed by a boulder. Looks like none of the crazy people in this royal family will live. Where the hell is the King? Anyway, the dwarfs don’t bury Snow White, but lay her in this weird case and just stare at her (creepy if you ask me), and then the guy comes and is like “I’mma kiss her.” The dwarfs are cool with that (double creepy), and they all watch (triple creepy) the dude macking on this dead girl. When he does, she just wakes up like no big deal. I thought this was Snow White, not Sleeping Beauty. Whatever.

Anyway, the point is, cartoon’s make no sense. Especially cartoons with singing.

Drinking Game:
Drink every time Snow White makes people listen to her sing. You will be drunk in fifteen minutes, and then maybe you’ll forget nothing makes any sense here, and that she sings way too high for it to be enjoyable.

Everyone always said this movie’s really good, and it has Morgan Freeman, and blah, blah, blah, but let me tell you something, it’s really long. Even though I fell asleep during it, I don’t think I missed a whole lot.

The Shawshank Redemption: Five Stars

So, the movie’s about this guy Andy (played by Merlin from Top Gun) in like the 1800’s who goes to prison for killing his wife. He says he didn’t do it, but she was cheating on him, and in the 1800’s that was proof. Also, they found his gun, so that’s pretty much proof everywhere. But later he says he didn’t do it, and nobody believes him, but it turns out he really didn’t do it because he’s like the nicest guy ever.

Anyway, he goes to prison and makes friends with Morgan Freeman who tells him “You better watch out, guys are gonna rape you.” I guess prisons haven’t changed all that much, because those guys do rape him. They rape him for two years. It sort of feels like it while you’re watching. In the meantime, he asks Morgan Freeman for a rock hammer, and Morgan Freeman says “What, are you gonna escape?” and Merlin says, “No way, it’s for making stuff out of rocks,” so Morgan Freeman says “I’ll get it for you then.” But, he was lying, he uses it to escape. Which takes FOREVER.

Before he escapes, he and his friends and Morgan Freeman fix the prison’s roof, and one of the guards threatens to throw Merlin off for sleeping with his wife, but he’s all, “Don’t kill me, I’m an accountant.” So the guard’s like “Sweet. I just inherited money and the government wants to take it.” After that, the guards give them beer to drink on the roof, and they all have a good time, except for Andy, who just sits there smiling knowingly. This guy thinks he’s so much better than everyone else.

After that, all this pointless stuff with a library happens. Andy becomes the librarian of the prison for like two hours and nobody will give him books, so he writes letters asking for books, and then finally he gets sent books. This takes him like twenty years, and he teaches a kid, but the kid gets shot by the guards, so there really was no point. Skip it, I say.

Then Andy does everybody’s taxes, and becomes the accountant for the warden, who’s a really mean guy, like all wardens are, and he plays a record over the PA system. All the inmates are like “Whoa! Music’s awesome. We forgot.” But now they’ll always remember. Anyway, Andy escapes because he had the rock hammer this whole time and steals a bunch of money from the warden. He then secretly tells Morgan Freeman to go find a rock in the middle of nowhere if he wants to meet up later. Somehow, Morgan Freeman finds this damn rock, and they go to Mexico to hang out. Then they smile knowingly at each other for a while on the beach.

Look, I don’t get it. Prison sucked in the 1800’s, and so he broke out. What’s the point, really? And how did Morgan Freeman find this rock? And how did he find Merlin on the beach in Mexico?  I think people just like this movie because it’s so long. It’s like:

“Have you seen Shawshank?”
“No way man, that’s too long, I got bored.”
“Well, I have because I’m smart.”

Drinking Game:
Drink every time somebody smiles knowingly. It’s all the time.

Oh, one more thing. What the hell is a Shawshank?