I watched 28 Days Later because I love seeing zombies kill things, and it was directed by the Slumdog guy. Unfortunately, there are more people laughing and running around grocery stores than there are zombies eating people to death. 

28 Days Later: Five Stars

The movie starts out in a monkey lab, and these guys come in yelling “We’re gonna steal your monkeys!” But the scientist says “No! You shouldn’t!” So they’re like, “Why not? We’re gonna do it anyway!” And he’s all “They’re infected… with RAGE!” Obviously, that makes no sense, so they let the monkeys out. Turns out, they were pretty angry, because they eat a girl’s face off. Sweet. Then she eats the scientist’s face off. Double sweet.

That’s where things get boring. The guy who gets incepted in Inception (we’ll just call him Inception for short) wakes up in a hospital and is all sick and weak. Also, naked. There’s no reason for a dong shot here, but we get one. So, he walks around the hospital, not seeming too curious about where everyone in the hospital has gone, and he drinks some sodas somebody threw on the ground. Then he walks around some more, through all of England, where there’s also nobody. At no point does he worry about this. This all is boring. Unless you want to hear Inception say “Hello?” fifty thousand times, fast forward. For a zombie apocalypse, we still haven’t seen any zombies.

Next, he sees some zombies, and they run after him, but a bunch of people hit them with molotov cocktails. Then, those people are never seen again, because Inception goes off with this guy and a black girl (surprising in England). While they’re hanging out they tell him, “Oh, while you were asleep, zombies happened.” He’s just like “Damn. That sucks.” And, there’s no more king, or whatever the government in England is. [Side note: I want to see more king zombies.]

So, they’re like, “Never go anywhere, because of zombies.” But he’s all “My parents.” And they’re like, “Oh, sure we’ll go there though.” Obviously, his parents are dead. You think, maybe these guys will wake up and be zombies, but they don’t. Then some zombies attack and they fight them, and the other dude gets a cut, so the black girl chops him up with a machete. Pretty awesome. Then she tells Inception, “I’ll chop you up too.” But she won’t really.

Then they walk around, and she’s like “I’ll never sleep with you, Inception.” And he says, “Oh look at that apartment building.” So they go there, and climb up a grocery cart ladder and meet up with Mad Eye Moody and his daughter, who are like “Drink some creme de menthe with us. Party time!” Then they talk about shaving, and the weather, and how it’s not raining much, and on and on and on. Useless. Kill more zombies!

So, when they get bored, they decide to steal a taxi and go to Manchester, but first they shop for groceries. Really, 28 Days Later? They shop for groceries? And nobody kills any zombies? Anyway, they get groceries, and then they drive down in this tunnel, and you’re like “Shit’s gonna get real.” So they get a flat tire, because they’re driving on top of other cars, and they have to fix it, but all these rats show up, and then zombies run in. Again, you’re thinking: Sweet! Zombies. But they just get in the car and drive away. Nothing.

They drive and drive and drive, and go to a burger store, and it’s really gross, and Inception kills a little kid with a baseball bat. That was awesome. Then they see horses and pop pills and finally they get to Manchester. When they get there, Mad Eye Moody gets zombie blood on his eye because he’s really angry at this crow, so he turns into a zombie and shoves his daughter around, and Inception has to kill him.

Then they go to this castle with all these army guys who can’t cook and love shaving each other’s heads, and nothing happens forever until finally they’re like “We’re gonna rape your women.” Inception’s pissed, because he still wants to have sex with this girl, so, he runs around without his shirt and starts killing everybody and setting zombies loose. Then, all the soldiers get turned into zombies and start killing each other and they drive away in their taxi. All in all, not that great, but pretty good.

After that, they go to this cottage (there are so few zombies in England) and hang out until a plane sees them. The end. It should not take this long to describe a zombie movie. It feels like the zombies weren’t even the point. I gotta say, if zombies aren’t the point of zombie movies, I don’t know what is. It makes me wonder if Slumdog Millionaire even has dogs.

28 Days Later Drinking Game:
Drink every time you wish they were killing zombies.