For months everyone was like, “Inception!” But at first I was like, “Who cares about dreams? And who knows what Inception is?” Well, now that it’s up for an Oscar, I figured I’d watch it, but I still don’t understand what inception is. I guess it’s like breaking into a dream.

Inception: Five Stars

The movie starts out with Leonardo DiCaprio washing up on this beach and you’re like, “Wait! Is this a sequel to Titanic?” But, they take him into this old Japanese dude’s house, and you’re like, probably not. As soon as you’re like “What’s going on?” it cuts to another place with a young Japanese guy, and you’re like “What?” and then it cuts to another place and you’re like “Quit messing with me.” But they don’t. The whole movie’s like that, get used to being confused.

Anyway, in 2^nd Japan, Leonardo DiCaprio meets the girl from Public Enemies, and at first she helps him, but then she’s like, “You know what, Leo? I’m going to shoot your friend from 10 Things I Hate About You.” Leonardo laughs because people can’t die in dreams, but she’s like “I’m not going to kill him! I’m going to shoot him in the foot.” So she shoots him in the foot, and he’s like “AH!” Apparently, nobody is confused that they’re in a dream, except for the audience.

Then they wake up because Leonardo DiCaprio falls in a bathtub, so they hang out in this apartment with the young Japanese guy from before, and he’s like “I’m not hiring you. Your friend got shot.” But Leonardo DiCaprio’s like, “I’ll shoot you.” So he’s like, “You can’t kill me in a dream!” Apparently this is a dream too. God damn it.

Then they wake up again on a train. The Japanese man’s there sleeping, and there’s a Japanese kid there watching, and 10 Things I Hate About You, and Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo’s like “Peace guys, all those dreams didn’t work,” so he bails. Everyone else is like “Leo, what the hell just happened?” But he doesn’t care, and it’s too complicated to explain.

Apparently, Leo left in such a hurry to go sit around and spin a top on a table. He does that for a while then talks on the phone with his kids who are like “When are you coming back? Where’s our mom?” He’s like, “Probably never. She’s dead.”

After this, he and 10 Things hang out and talk about where they’re going to go until the Japanese guy shows up in a helicopter. He tells them that even though he said he’d never hire them, he wants to hire them. They have to go put an idea in a guy’s head. 10 Things is like, “Whoa dude, that’s too hard.” But Leo’s like “No it’s not. I’ve done it.” They try to leave, but the Japanese dude’s like, “Wanna see your kids? I’ll make it so you can go home even though you did that mysterious bad thing in the past.” So Leo’s like, “Yeah.”

Leo goes to Paris to hang out with his dad, who’s Batman’s Butler. Why is his dad English? Nobody knows. Maybe this is a dream! Anyway, Batman’s Butler’s like, “You gotta chill, Leo.” But Leo’s like, “No I don’t. Give me one of your students.” The Butler’s like “Alright,” so he gives him that pregnant girl from Juno.

Leo and Juno hang out and make mazes together and drink coffee, and he’s like “You know, you’re dreaming right now.” She’s like, “What?” Then everything blows up in slow-mo. Pretty cool, I guess. Then they have a lot of dreams together and Leo talks about how you can’t do crazy things in dreams, but Juno’s like, “Screw that! The world’s gonna fold in half!” Leo’s like, “I wouldn’t do that.” But Juno does anyway, so Public Enemies comes and stabs her until she wakes up.

Juno’s like, “What just happened?” And 10 Things tells her that’s Leo’s dead wife. Juno’s like, “Screw that. I’m outta here.” So she leaves. Leo’s like, “She’ll be back.” But he leaves anyway to Africa.

In Africa he hangs out with this dude, and they talk about the mission, and run around from all these bad guys and get stuck in alleys and yell at the locals until the Japanese dude shows up in a limo, and is like “Get in.” This Japanese guy is everywhere. Then they go hang out with a Middle Easterner who’s like, “I sedate people. You’ll need me on your dream mission.” They will, so they’re like, “Prove it.” He shows them all these asleep guys, and they’re like “Whoa. You’re hired.”

So, then they all get together in this big warehouse and talk about the plan. The plan is to build three dreams, and trick this business guy into splitting up his company after his dad dies. The Japanese guy’s like “I’m gonna go with you.” At first they’re like, “No.” But then they’re like, “OK.” Juno follows Leo into his dream and they ride around in an elevator and hang out with Public Enemies until Leo’s like “Juno, this is my dream. Get out.” After that we find out that Public Enemies killed herself because she thought life was a dream, and Juno plays with a chess piece a lot.

They decide to do the mission on a plane and the Japanese guy’s like “I bought the whole airline.” So they’re like, “Sweet. Free tickets.” They give the business guy pills and all go dream together. In the dream they take him to a warehouse and are like “Give us the combination!” He’s like “What combination?” and they’re just like “Any one!” So he gives them one. Then they trick him into thinking his dad’s friend is there, but it’s the guy from Africa.

There’s also a bunch of dudes shooting at them, and Leo’s upset about it. He’s especially upset when they shoot the Japanese guy. So, then they’re like, “Let’s have another dream,” and get in a van. The Middle Eastern guy drives, and they all go to sleep together again. Now they hang out in a hotel and Leo tells the business guy, “You’re dreaming. I’m a good guy. Let’s go to one of the rooms.”

They go, and security guys run around after them and 10 Things kisses Juno, and gravity starts to go crazy. Finally some cool stuff from the ads happens. In the hotel room, the business man’s like “My dad’s friend kidnapped me. Let’s dream another dream.” So they all do, but they leave 10 Things behind to kill bad guys and run around on the walls.

They go to a snow dream that looks like the fortress in XXX and ski around shooting bad guys. It keeps going back and forth in all the dreams, and the van crashes around, and 10 Things runs on a wall, and they shoot guys on snowmobiles. Then Public Enemies shows up and shoots the business guy. Everyone’s like “Well, mission over.” But Juno’s like, “No, let’s dream even more!”

She and Leo dream another one and go to this made up world and find Public Enemies and she and Leo argue about what reality is and cry. Pretty boring. Meanwhile, stuff starts blowing up in the snow dream. Juno’s like “I’m gonna leave with the businessman,” and Leo’s like, “Alright, I’m gonna go get the Japanese guy now. I know he’s dead, which means he’s not dead but here in this dream.” So he goes and she wakes up. The snow world explodes, and they wake up underwater in the van, except Leo.

Then it’s that scene from the beginning with the old Japanese guy, who’s like “Oh, Leo, it’s you.” Then they wake up on a plane. Leo goes home with his English dad and sees his kids and plays with his top which spins a really long time.

This movie is way too confusing. And it’s not even like there’s that much cool dream stuff. People running on walls is cool, and things blowing up in slow-mo, but that’s really it. You’d think in dreams there’d be more like flying or dragons or something. Just cool stuff. Really, in Leo’s dreams, it’s mostly just people talking about “Is this real? I don’t know. Do you know?” That’s kind of a boring way to sit around in your dream. At least go have sex with people or something. 

Drinking Game: Drink every time they say “kick.” I don’t even know what that is, but they say it a lot. I think it’s when you fall into a bathtub.