An Idiot Reviews

Contemporary Film Review: Captain America

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 11:59:12 -0400

I like superheroes and I like America so I thought, “Alright. I’ll see that movie.” I figured Captain America would be a really awesome superhero with sweet powers, but it turns out he’s just a guy with a silly hat and a stupid shield. Who uses a shield?

Captain America: Five Stars

So Captain America is this guy who used to be really skinny who joins the army because he wants to be cool like his friend. Nobody likes him because he’s so skinny, but then, this army doctor is like “I like you. You can join the army now. We’ll drink schnapps later.” So he joins the army and is really bad at it, and nobody likes him at all. Especially the guy from Men in Black who isn’t Will Smith. He’s the Sergeant and he’s mean. Then this English girl is like “I like you. You can be Captain America now.” She takes him to a secret lab in this old lady’s basement and then they give him shots to make him a superhero. Apparently, super hero in the past just means a strong guy. He’s strong now.

A nazi spy comes and shoots the doctor and Captain America chases him. Now Captain is like “Sweet, I’m strong and can go to the army.” but the army is like “Actually you can’t. But you can go be in plays. Put on this dumb outfit.” So he’s in plays and movies. Alright, look, just fight nazis already.

After like forever, he decides he’s sick of dressing up and tells the Men in Black guy he’s going to fight. He’s like no, but the English girl is like yes so he fights Nazis. This isn’t as exciting as you want it to be because he just uses guns and tanks and stuff. Captain America has no superpowers except throwing his shield around. The bad guy is actually super cool and has a red skull, and you kind of root for him, which is weird because he’s a Nazi. But he doesn’t really have superpowers either except for lasers.

Anyway, Captain America fights some guys in a montage that’s like fifty minutes long, and in it his friend from earlier dies when he jumps off a train. Captain is sad but the English girl tells him, “Keep fighting. You’re Captain America.” So he does.

At the end he fights with Agent Smith Red Skull and takes over his bad guy plane. Instead of landing it, Captain America decides to crash it into the North Pole. Why? I don’t know. He doesn’t even try to live at all. The English girl is very sad that he died because she had a crush on him ever since before when he was skinny and lame. But Captain America didn’t die, because he was frozen, and at the end he wakes up in the past but it actually ends up being the present.

Look, if you’re making a super hero, he has to be super. If you’re going to give a guy a red skull, he better breathe fire or something sweet. I feel like Wolverine would be a better Captain America and he’s from Canada I think. If Captain America could fly or shoot lasers from his eyes or something I might have been more into it. Even Batman has gadgets at least.

Drinking game: Drink every time someone says Captain.

Classic Film Review: Midnight Cowboy

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 12:27:55 -0400

I watched this movie because I knew the Rain Man was in it. The title made me think there would be more action like Cowboys and Aliens, but overall the movie’s actually kind of boring. There are no Indians at all, but there are boobs, so that’s cool.

Midnight Cowboy: Five Stars

Ok, Midnight Cowboy is about this cowboy who quits his job and goes to New York to become a hustler. I thought that meant being good at pool but it actually means having sex a lot, so he wants to do that. When he gets there he lives in a hotel and meets the guy from Rain Man (finally! There’s like 20 minutes before that). He’s named after the rat in the Muppets, Ratso. Ratso tells Midnight he’ll help him have sex more, so he takes him to see an old creepy religious guy. The guy tries to get Midnight to pray, so he runs away. So then Midnight gets really poor and he and Fatso live together like hobos.

They eat gruel or something and steal fruits from Italians. Gay guys make fun of them a lot. The one cool thing they do is go to this party and smoke drugs and take lots of pictures with this brother and sister. Midnight takes a woman home to have sex and leaves Rain Man who falls down the stairs.

Oh, also, Midnight has gay sex with a glasses boy in a movie theater. Everybody who’s gay and likes sex in New York dresses like a cowboy. After the movie and gay stuff Midnight and glasses boy go to the bathroom together. He’s like, “Look, if I’m gonna have sex with guys, I need money, glasses boy.” Glass boy wants to fight, but Midnight doesn’t take money from him because you can’t steal from a guy who can’t see. Midnight has morals.

Also, he has a lot of weird sad flashbacks. Sometimes it’s of his grandma having sex with guys. Sometimes it’s of guys having sex with his girlfriend. Weird. Anyway, at the end Rain Man wants to go to Florida so Midnight takes him. The movie ends when Rain Man pees his pants and dies on the bus.

Overall, I’d say this movie isn’t as great as people say. If you want to watch a cowboy movie, you should get a John Wayne one. If you want a Rain Man movie, watch Rain Man or Meet the Fockers. Both are way funnier than this and don’t have the weird stuff.

Midnight Cowboy Drinking Game: Every time somebody says Cowboy or Ratso.

Oscar Contender Review: Inception

Wed, 02 Feb 2011 13:49:00 -0500

For months everyone was like, “Inception!” But at first I was like, “Who cares about dreams? And who knows what Inception is?” Well, now that it’s up for an Oscar, I figured I’d watch it, but I still don’t understand what inception is. I guess it’s like breaking into a dream.

Inception: Five Stars

The movie starts out with Leonardo DiCaprio washing up on this beach and you’re like, “Wait! Is this a sequel to Titanic?” But, they take him into this old Japanese dude’s house, and you’re like, probably not. As soon as you’re like “What’s going on?” it cuts to another place with a young Japanese guy, and you’re like “What?” and then it cuts to another place and you’re like “Quit messing with me.” But they don’t. The whole movie’s like that, get used to being confused.

Anyway, in 2^nd Japan, Leonardo DiCaprio meets the girl from Public Enemies, and at first she helps him, but then she’s like, “You know what, Leo? I’m going to shoot your friend from 10 Things I Hate About You.” Leonardo laughs because people can’t die in dreams, but she’s like “I’m not going to kill him! I’m going to shoot him in the foot.” So she shoots him in the foot, and he’s like “AH!” Apparently, nobody is confused that they’re in a dream, except for the audience.

Then they wake up because Leonardo DiCaprio falls in a bathtub, so they hang out in this apartment with the young Japanese guy from before, and he’s like “I’m not hiring you. Your friend got shot.” But Leonardo DiCaprio’s like, “I’ll shoot you.” So he’s like, “You can’t kill me in a dream!” Apparently this is a dream too. God damn it.

Then they wake up again on a train. The Japanese man’s there sleeping, and there’s a Japanese kid there watching, and 10 Things I Hate About You, and Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo’s like “Peace guys, all those dreams didn’t work,” so he bails. Everyone else is like “Leo, what the hell just happened?” But he doesn’t care, and it’s too complicated to explain.

Apparently, Leo left in such a hurry to go sit around and spin a top on a table. He does that for a while then talks on the phone with his kids who are like “When are you coming back? Where’s our mom?” He’s like, “Probably never. She’s dead.”

After this, he and 10 Things hang out and talk about where they’re going to go until the Japanese guy shows up in a helicopter. He tells them that even though he said he’d never hire them, he wants to hire them. They have to go put an idea in a guy’s head. 10 Things is like, “Whoa dude, that’s too hard.” But Leo’s like “No it’s not. I’ve done it.” They try to leave, but the Japanese dude’s like, “Wanna see your kids? I’ll make it so you can go home even though you did that mysterious bad thing in the past.” So Leo’s like, “Yeah.”

Leo goes to Paris to hang out with his dad, who’s Batman’s Butler. Why is his dad English? Nobody knows. Maybe this is a dream! Anyway, Batman’s Butler’s like, “You gotta chill, Leo.” But Leo’s like, “No I don’t. Give me one of your students.” The Butler’s like “Alright,” so he gives him that pregnant girl from Juno.

Leo and Juno hang out and make mazes together and drink coffee, and he’s like “You know, you’re dreaming right now.” She’s like, “What?” Then everything blows up in slow-mo. Pretty cool, I guess. Then they have a lot of dreams together and Leo talks about how you can’t do crazy things in dreams, but Juno’s like, “Screw that! The world’s gonna fold in half!” Leo’s like, “I wouldn’t do that.” But Juno does anyway, so Public Enemies comes and stabs her until she wakes up.

Juno’s like, “What just happened?” And 10 Things tells her that’s Leo’s dead wife. Juno’s like, “Screw that. I’m outta here.” So she leaves. Leo’s like, “She’ll be back.” But he leaves anyway to Africa.

In Africa he hangs out with this dude, and they talk about the mission, and run around from all these bad guys and get stuck in alleys and yell at the locals until the Japanese dude shows up in a limo, and is like “Get in.” This Japanese guy is everywhere. Then they go hang out with a Middle Easterner who’s like, “I sedate people. You’ll need me on your dream mission.” They will, so they’re like, “Prove it.” He shows them all these asleep guys, and they’re like “Whoa. You’re hired.”

So, then they all get together in this big warehouse and talk about the plan. The plan is to build three dreams, and trick this business guy into splitting up his company after his dad dies. The Japanese guy’s like “I’m gonna go with you.” At first they’re like, “No.” But then they’re like, “OK.” Juno follows Leo into his dream and they ride around in an elevator and hang out with Public Enemies until Leo’s like “Juno, this is my dream. Get out.” After that we find out that Public Enemies killed herself because she thought life was a dream, and Juno plays with a chess piece a lot.

They decide to do the mission on a plane and the Japanese guy’s like “I bought the whole airline.” So they’re like, “Sweet. Free tickets.” They give the business guy pills and all go dream together. In the dream they take him to a warehouse and are like “Give us the combination!” He’s like “What combination?” and they’re just like “Any one!” So he gives them one. Then they trick him into thinking his dad’s friend is there, but it’s the guy from Africa.

There’s also a bunch of dudes shooting at them, and Leo’s upset about it. He’s especially upset when they shoot the Japanese guy. So, then they’re like, “Let’s have another dream,” and get in a van. The Middle Eastern guy drives, and they all go to sleep together again. Now they hang out in a hotel and Leo tells the business guy, “You’re dreaming. I’m a good guy. Let’s go to one of the rooms.”

They go, and security guys run around after them and 10 Things kisses Juno, and gravity starts to go crazy. Finally some cool stuff from the ads happens. In the hotel room, the business man’s like “My dad’s friend kidnapped me. Let’s dream another dream.” So they all do, but they leave 10 Things behind to kill bad guys and run around on the walls.

They go to a snow dream that looks like the fortress in XXX and ski around shooting bad guys. It keeps going back and forth in all the dreams, and the van crashes around, and 10 Things runs on a wall, and they shoot guys on snowmobiles. Then Public Enemies shows up and shoots the business guy. Everyone’s like “Well, mission over.” But Juno’s like, “No, let’s dream even more!”

She and Leo dream another one and go to this made up world and find Public Enemies and she and Leo argue about what reality is and cry. Pretty boring. Meanwhile, stuff starts blowing up in the snow dream. Juno’s like “I’m gonna leave with the businessman,” and Leo’s like, “Alright, I’m gonna go get the Japanese guy now. I know he’s dead, which means he’s not dead but here in this dream.” So he goes and she wakes up. The snow world explodes, and they wake up underwater in the van, except Leo.

Then it’s that scene from the beginning with the old Japanese guy, who’s like “Oh, Leo, it’s you.” Then they wake up on a plane. Leo goes home with his English dad and sees his kids and plays with his top which spins a really long time.

This movie is way too confusing. And it’s not even like there’s that much cool dream stuff. People running on walls is cool, and things blowing up in slow-mo, but that’s really it. You’d think in dreams there’d be more like flying or dragons or something. Just cool stuff. Really, in Leo’s dreams, it’s mostly just people talking about “Is this real? I don’t know. Do you know?” That’s kind of a boring way to sit around in your dream. At least go have sex with people or something.

Drinking Game: Drink every time they say “kick.” I don’t even know what that is, but they say it a lot. I think it’s when you fall into a bathtub.

modposters: “It’s Raining! The Motion Picture.” Funny poster...

Sat, 29 Jan 2011 14:30:11 -0500

modposters:

“It’s Raining! The Motion Picture.”

Funny poster inspired by the movie The Shawshank Redemption (1994).

By: Brian Ring (Blogger)

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Modern Classic Film Review: Children of Men

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 10:00:07 -0500

Everybody seems to like stuff about the future, so when somebody told me to read the book Children of Men, I was like “No way, but I’ll watch the movie.” Well, as it turns out, in the future everyone will be English, and old, and use the same old boring guns we have today.

Children of Men: Five Stars

The movie starts out with the guy who played King Arthur ordering a coffee. Then he leaves to pour booze in it because he loves drinking. Then the coffee shop blows up. Sweet.

Oh, apparently, nobody can have kids in the future. Why? Nobody knows. But everybody’s super sad, and burning things down because of it. Frankly, kids are annoying so count your blessings. King Arthur doesn’t seem to mind though so he goes to hang out with his old friend, played by Batman’s Butler.

King Arthur tells Batman’s Butler about the bomb, and Batman’s Butler’s like “Yeah, good thing you didn’t blow up.” Then he farts. Batman’s Butler loves farting almost as much as King Arthur loves drinking. They hang out and smoke pot and tell stupid jokes about eating storks and listen to music of people screaming.

The next day King Arthur walks past this street prison with his coffee (this dude loves coffee almost as much as drinking), and gets kidnapped. They take him to see some lady who’s played by that lady who who was the scientist in Evolution, and the other scientist in Jurassic Park 2. They argue about who blew up the coffee shop, and then she’s like “Look, I just want you to help me get some girl somewhere.” King Arthur doesn’t want to do it, so she’s like “Alright, bye.” And they rekidnap him out of there.

Then King Arthur has lunch with his cousin who must be rich because he has a lot of artsy stuff that they look at and opera music. There’s also butlers and a kid pretending to type in the air who doesn’t talk. Then King Arthur’s like, “I want you to help me get some girl somewhere,” and his cousin’s like, “Ok.”

So King Arthur’s like, “Sweet!” and goes to hang out with Lady Scientist on a bus and they fight about something. Did she dump him or what? They don’t tell us. No point to the scene whatsoever. Fast forward through it.

Finally they meet the girl and she’s African or something, and has a weird rastafarian lady with her. Then they drive around and listen to the radio and play with ping pong balls and do sweet tricks with them until all these dudes attack and this guy on a motorcycle shoots the Lady Scientist. It’s pretty cool. King Arthur’s like “Screw you!” and kicks the motorcycle guy off his bike. But it’s too late, Lady Scientist’s dead, so the guy driving shoots the cops. Pretty epic. But there’s nothing futuristic about it. At least shoot each other with lasers or something. Guns are cool today, but in the future, that’s just lame.

They stop so King Arthur can cry on a tree while opera music plays, but then they drive to a farm to hang out. King Arthur’s like “I’m leaving, that scientist’s dead.” But the driver’s like “No you’re not,” so King Arthur talks with the African girl whose name is Key (stupid name) and she’s like “I’m pregnant.” Then she takes off her clothes for no reason. Gross. Pregnant nudity.

They all argue about what to do with the African girl, and she’s like “I want to have my kid in this barn” so they’re all like “Alright.” Then a cat climbs up King Arthur’s leg. There is no reason. Animals love King Arthur I guess. Then King Arthur finds out they want to shoot him so he tells Key, “We gotta go. They’re gonna kill me” so they steal a car to get out of there.

They go to Batman’s Butler’s and eat pasta and Key’s like “I’m gonna name my baby Frolly.” Then Batman’s Butler comes up with a plan to get them arrested to be near the boat they want to get on, and they smoke more pot and King Arthur gets more booze. Batman’s Butler even tells a story about how King Arthur and Lady Scientist had a baby that died.

Everyone decides to leave but Batman’s Butler is like, “We’re not gonna come with you, we’re old and stuff, but have fun!” so King Arthur leaves with the girls. Then Batman’s Butler kills his wife with pills. What is he crazy? She’s quiet, yeah, but that’s no reason to kill her. Then bad guys show up and Batman’s Butler asks them to pull his finger, so they shoot him in the finger! Holy crap! It’s awesome. He keeps saying it so they keep shooting him. Badass-ness all around.

After that, the rasta tells a boring story you can just skip past. Then they go to a prison camp. Key keeps complaining, and King Arthur tells the rasta lady to shut her up, but she won’t shut up. Turns out she’s gonna have the baby now. The guards come over and take the rasta lady away. Finally! She was so obnoxious.

In the camp they meet a crazy gypsy lady with a dog who gives them a hotel room that’s disgusting, and Key has her baby. It’s super nasty and looks like an alien. Babies are gross. So, great, congratulations. She had a baby. No more movie necessary. But, there is! There is lots more movie.

The prison guard comes and sees the baby is and is like “I’m gonna sell you guys and make so much money,” but the gypsy lady hits him with a big bone or something and King Arthur kills him by hitting him with a big battery. Again, sweet, but not futuristic. Kill people with forcefields or something. God.

Then the army comes or whatever and they start shooting lots of people. The driver from before comes and is like, “Give us the baby, people will love it.” But King Arthur’s like “No way.” So they plan to kill him, but he escapes. He and Key run around with the baby in all these old buildings and lots of people get shot and blown up. Then they all see the baby and are like “Shit, we can’t be shooting people if there’s babies in here,” so they stop shooting and King Arthur and Key just walk around for a while. Then somebody shoots and the army’s like “Well, we gotta shoot those guys” so everybody starts shooting again.

They run around some more and whatever but then they get on a boat and boat out of there. Then Key’s like “They shot me,” but King Arthur’s like “No, they shot me.” He’s right, they did. So he dies, and more opera music plays. Then this big boat shows up.

Look at it this way: what happens in this movie? A lot of people talk about a lady who’s going to have a baby. Then the lady has a baby. That alone is boring, but there’s not even anything cool about the future. When you give me a future movie, I want to see space ships, and robots, and flying cars. At least have teleportation or liquid meals or something. No, instead we have to watch Batman’s Butler fart, King Arthur play mouth ping pong, and a baby be born. I say screw it. Sure, lots of people die, but lots of people die in Robocop too. And Robocop is awesome. So’s Robocop 2.

Drinking game: Take a drink every time they say “baby” or “pregnant.” If you’re drunk enough, you might forget it’s supposed to be the future, and the regular killing with guns and stuff will be cool enough.

Classic Film Review: The Omen

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 15:33:43 -0500

So, I watched The Omen because supposedly it’s got the devil. And a kid kills a lot of people. All sounded good. Unfortunately, only a handful of people die, and the movie actually feels like it’s just Evil Mary Poppins in boring old England. Now that I think about it, Evil Mary Poppins would be a sweet movie, even sweeter than this one.

The Omen: Five Stars

So, this movie starts out in Italy, and this old dude’s in this hospital with his wife - but there aren’t doctors, just priests, and she’s having a baby. But the priests are all mysterious and they’re like “Your baby… you can’t have it. But you can have this other one. His mom was a prostitute.” At first the old guy’s like, “I don’t know, Priest,” But the priest tells him, “We won’t tell anybody.” So he’s like “Sure.” They name their kid Damien, which is an awful name to grow up with, no wonder he doesn’t like his parents.

Then, they walk along this river, with Damien who’s like five now. They’re like “We love each other, I’m a diplomat, check out this river…” until they realize Damien’s missing. Oh shit! Kid in the river? Just kidding, he wasn’t missing at all. He was like three feet away from the mom. What’s the point? There isn’t any. Get to the devil already.

But no, first some stupid photographer tries to take the diplomat’s picture, and he’s like, “Get lost, or I’ll break your camera.” Then he breaks his camera.

Then the diplomat’s like, “We’re moving to England.” And they do. Then they have a crazy birthday party, and live in this crazy palace, and the nanny climbs out the window and yells, “Hey Damien, make sure you watch this!” Then she commits suicide. Pretty creepy, I’ll admit it. Then the clown looks sad, and a bunch of kids just look confused while creepy music plays.

After that, Evil Mary Poppins shows up. She just shows up at their house and is like, “I’m here to take care of your kid.” The parents are like “Really? Who hired you? Us?” And she’s like “No. Just… I have references.” Then they’re like “Sweet. You’re hired.” Her references must have been like the pope or something.

One day the diplomat’s doing work and this priest comes, and is like, “Hey, we’ve got a problem. You gotta pray, because your kid, he’s the devil.” The diplomat’s like “No way, man. Get out of my office,” and calls security and they kick the priest out. Then the photographer takes pictures of him. Who cares about this stupid photographer? Get over it! What kind of photographer even wants to take pictures of diplomats? Shouldn’t he be following famous people? Whatever.

Next, Evil Mary Poppins is like, “Hey, I got Damien this super scary dog.” The diplomat’s like “What? That dog’s super scary. Our kid’s like six. Get rid of it.” She’s like “Alright, eventually…” No point. Who cares if he has a dog or not?

Then the priest dies, because like a big rod flies through his heart. I don’t know where it came from. It’s just this big thing. Anyway, the photographer is like, “Whoa, my picture predicted it!” So he goes to tell the diplomat, who’s like “Yeah right,” but then he sees the pictures and is like “You’re right.” Maybe my kid is the devil.

Then they go to Rome. Ugh. Nobody cares. I just want to see this kid be the devil. But at the priest hospital they’re like, “We don’t keep records. We’re priests, not a hospital. Why would we just give you a different baby, anyway?” All good points, but the diplomat won’t have it, so he goes to see the old priest. Why is this a boring mystery movie? I thought kids would be running around killing people, with the power of the devil.

Anyway, the old priest’s like, “You gotta kill him, because he’s the devil. 666, all that devil stuff. It’s him. Use these weird swords.” Then the photographer gets his head chopped off by glass. That was awesome! But not as awesome as when Final Destination did it. Ripoff! Whatever, still sweet.

Also, the priest’s like, “He’s gonna kill your wife, who’s pregnant by the way. Congratulations.” The diplomat’s like “No way.” I don’t know why he doesn’t believe this, but does believe his kid’s the devil. Anyway, the wife falls over the balcony, and is hanging on and like “Help! Help!” to the kid, but the kid doesn’t help. This seems ridiculous. How was a little kid even supposed to help? Anyway, she was pregnant, so now the guy’s like “Shit. I gotta kill this kid, with weird swords.”

So, finally, we start to get some action. He kidnaps the kid, and is like “I’m gonna kill you in church you stupid devil kid.” But, the cops chase him, and he’s driving around and the kid’s crying and it’s pretty sweet. He goes to kill the kid, but then the cops shoot him. He dies and the kid lives, and at the end it’s like what’s the point? The kid was just a dick who hated his parents, probably for giving him a shitty name and making him live in England.

Look, if you like watching people talk a lot about numbers, or politics, or walk around old mansions and look at pictures, this movie is for you. If you like people getting killed by the devil, skip it.

Drinking Game: When they say Damien, take a shot. You will honestly black out within the first seven minutes, and then not have to suffer through the rest of the movie.

Modern Classic Film Review: There Will Be Blood

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 11:14:00 -0500

My friend Kate was like, “Yo, this movie’s good.” And I was like “Well, if there’s blood in the title, it’s probably pretty good,” so I watched it. However, there is not nearly enough blood. There should be more blood. A better title for this movie would be: There’s Going to Be a Little Bit of Blood, But Mostly a Lot of Oil and People Talking About Oil, and Sometimes People Not Even Talking at All. But I guess that wouldn’t fit on DVDs.

There Will Be Blood: Five Stars

Anyway, this movie starts out with the most boring opening I’ve ever seen. It’s like an hour of this bearded dude just digging in a hole, not saying anything. Then he falls, and you’re like, “Sweet, some action!” but he still doesn’t talk. Then a guy dies and you’re like, “Sweet!” but it isn’t even that sweet, which is crazy, I know. Then this dude with a mustache hangs out on a train with a baby. This takes forever and nobody says anything, at all. How are you supposed to dig holes for oil without saying a single word? I’d fast forward through like the first hour if I were you.

After this, Mustache makes this big long speech about “I’m an oil man, I love oil, I love digging, and I love my son. Let me have your oil. Oil oil oil.” But the town’s like “No way dude, we’ve got tons of oil, and it’s running down our hill in an oil river, we don’t need you and your mustache!” So, Mustache is like “Peace,” and leaves, even though the town’s like “Wait, we were kidding! Can you stop the oil river?” But Mustache isn’t having any of it, he’s outta there.

Later on, he’s hanging out with his buddy who played Julius Caesar on that show Rome, and his kid, and this other kid comes in and is like “I know where there’s oil, and you should pay me.” At first they’re like, “There’s probably not oil,” but then they’re like, “Tell us where the oil is.” Mustache decides he’ll take his son to check it out - so they check it out. Turns out, there’s oil. There’s also a crazy religious kid who’s twins with the first kid, and wants a ton of money for his church. Mustache is like “Whatever, just gimme the oil.” So they dig for oil.

They dig and dig and the religious kid is a preacher and yells at this old lady for having arthritis, then makes her dance with him. This seems mean to force on an old arthritic lady. Then they find oil, and when they do mustache’s kid gets exploded off a roof and goes deaf. After that, he keeps making weird moaning sounds, and mustache is like “This is too much, I’m gonna go deal with this oil.” Julius Caesar ends up taking care of the kid. Then they send the deaf kid away, because who wants a deaf kid anyway?

Mustache’s brother shows up and they hang out and ride horses and go swimming, but it turns out not to be his brother at all. So he kills him. Finally, something bad ass. But this old guy catches him, and is like, “You gotta go to church, man.” So mustache goes to church, and religious kid slaps him around, and makes him yell all about his deaf kid.

Eventually the deaf kid comes back and gets married to the ugly girl but at this point, you’re pretty damn bored. This movie is long, and the music’s just like “Tokka tokka tokka” crazy sounds that give you a headache and stress you out.

Finally, at the end, deaf kid (now he’s a deaf man, though) comes to Mustache’s mansion, and is like “I’m going to Mexico for oil,” in sign language. But Mustache is like, “Oh, yeah? You aren’t even my kid. You’re a bastard! ” He goes nuts, yelling “Bastard in a basket!” Which is odd, because his kid’s deaf and can’t even hear it.

After that, the religious kid comes back to beg Mustache for money, even though he’s wearing a suit. You want some money religious kid? Sell your suit. Anyway, Mustache won’t have any of it, and the religious kid’s like, “You can buy this other land if you want, it’s got oil.” This is when mustache flips out. He’s like “No way! I don’t want your land! I drank that oil up, like a milkshake! I drank it up!” I don’t think he actually drank it up, but it does seem like he loves milkshakes as much as oil, so maybe he actually did. He’s pretty nuts.

Cut to the good part: he kills the religious kid with a bowling pin. This part is awesome. There is lots of blood. However, this is not enough blood to warrant what feels like three hours of there not being blood.

Bottom line, if you’re gonna promise blood, we want blood. Like Rambo: First Blood. Now, that’s got blood. If you want mustaches, deaf kids, oil, and wokka wokka music, there’s plenty of that though.

Drinking Game: Just take a drink when they say “oil.” There will be barf.

Photo

Wed, 12 Jan 2011 16:11:35 -0500

Classic Film Review: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Wed, 12 Jan 2011 10:01:00 -0500

Lots of people have told me not all cartoons are for kids, and I say to them, “Yeah, but most cartoons suck, like Blues Clues.” Well, everybody talks about Snow White as being really good, so I figured I’d watch it and review it. As it turns out, it’s pretty boring.

Snow White: Five Stars

So, Snow White’s this princess who dresses in really crappy clothes that she made herself like a hipster, and the Queen hates her for being prettier than her. Personally, I think a better reason for hating Snow White would be that she has a made up name, and always (I mean always) is singing at birds and squirrels. She is so obsessed with the sound of her own voice that she sings down a well just to hear her own echo singing back to her.

All this singing, fake poverty, and crazy stage name Snow White has drive the Queen crazy, so she tells a hunter to kill Snow White when she’s out in the woods. I don’t know why a princess would be walking around the woods, when she has servants to do that, but she does. While she’s out there, she kisses a bird. This is weird. Clearly this girl has issues, and isn’t a threat to the Queen. Of course, the Queen has some mental problems as well, because she talks to her mirror a lot (like father like son, as they say, but about girls).

The hunter sees Snow White kiss this bird, and is like “Hey, Snow, just get out of here. You’re too mentally handicapped to kill. You’ll probably die out in the forest anyway.” Then he cries, and Snow White runs away through the trees. The trees come to life and attack her (like in Evil Dead but without the raping), until she passes out.

From there, things get even weirder. She talks to all the animals, and then she sings them a song about singing songs, and they lead her to a tiny little house. Something is clearly wrong with this girl Snow’s brain. She must be on acid or something. When she gets there, she and the animals clean up (again with a song). Not even Britney Spears movies have this much singing. After that, she goes to sleep. Never once does she worry about who lives here, or what they’re gonna do. Talk about a spoiled princess.

Then these tiny men sing in a mine and play with diamonds, and come back to the house. At first they’re like “Let’s kill whoever’s in our house,” but then they see it’s Snow, and they’re like “We can’t just kill this retarded girl.” They’re all dwarfs, and she guesses all their names correctly. Doc has a speech impediment and wears glasses, Dopey looks like that crazy looking guy from The Goonies, and Grumpy’s the only guy reasonable enough to be upset by this stranger sleeping in their beds. He shouldn’t even be called Grumpy, he should be called Rational.

So, they all hang out and she makes them wash their hands, which they’ve never done before, and they all become great pals, even though she makes them sleep on the floor and takes all seven of their beds. This Snow character is totally stuck up, nobody needs seven beds. After they’re all friends, the Queen talks with her mirror again, and the mirror’s like, “Snow White’s not dead, you know. She’s living with dwarfs.” So the Queen decides to re-kill her, this time by herself though.

The Queen uses magic to disguise herself as an old lady (like that’s believable), and poisons an apple. She then goes and gives the apple to Snow to eat, who’s like, “I don’t know…” I bet she was worried the apple wasn’t free range or whatever. But the Queen’s like “It makes wishes come true,” which Snow White believes because she’s so stupid. So she eats it, and is like “I love this guy, I wish he’d find me and love me and stuff.” Oh, earlier, she fell in love with this guy, because he loved her singing almost as much as she did. So, she bites it and passes out.

Then the Queen dies when she is struck by lightning and falls off a cliff and is crushed by a boulder. Looks like none of the crazy people in this royal family will live. Where the hell is the King? Anyway, the dwarfs don’t bury Snow White, but lay her in this weird case and just stare at her (creepy if you ask me), and then the guy comes and is like “I’mma kiss her.” The dwarfs are cool with that (double creepy), and they all watch (triple creepy) the dude macking on this dead girl. When he does, she just wakes up like no big deal. I thought this was Snow White, not Sleeping Beauty. Whatever.

Anyway, the point is, cartoon’s make no sense. Especially cartoons with singing.

Drinking Game:
Drink every time Snow White makes people listen to her sing. You will be drunk in fifteen minutes, and then maybe you’ll forget nothing makes any sense here, and that she sings way too high for it to be enjoyable.

Modern Classics Film Review: The Shawshank Redemption

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 11:00:06 -0500

Everyone always said this movie’s really good, and it has Morgan Freeman, and blah, blah, blah, but let me tell you something, it’s really long. Even though I fell asleep during it, I don’t think I missed a whole lot.

The Shawshank Redemption: Five Stars

So, the movie’s about this guy Andy (played by Merlin from Top Gun) in like the 1800’s who goes to prison for killing his wife. He says he didn’t do it, but she was cheating on him, and in the 1800’s that was proof. Also, they found his gun, so that’s pretty much proof everywhere. But later he says he didn’t do it, and nobody believes him, but it turns out he really didn’t do it because he’s like the nicest guy ever.

Anyway, he goes to prison and makes friends with Morgan Freeman who tells him “You better watch out, guys are gonna rape you.” I guess prisons haven’t changed all that much, because those guys do rape him. They rape him for two years. It sort of feels like it while you’re watching. In the meantime, he asks Morgan Freeman for a rock hammer, and Morgan Freeman says “What, are you gonna escape?” and Merlin says, “No way, it’s for making stuff out of rocks,” so Morgan Freeman says “I’ll get it for you then.” But, he was lying, he uses it to escape. Which takes FOREVER.

Before he escapes, he and his friends and Morgan Freeman fix the prison’s roof, and one of the guards threatens to throw Merlin off for sleeping with his wife, but he’s all, “Don’t kill me, I’m an accountant.” So the guard’s like “Sweet. I just inherited money and the government wants to take it.” After that, the guards give them beer to drink on the roof, and they all have a good time, except for Andy, who just sits there smiling knowingly. This guy thinks he’s so much better than everyone else.

After that, all this pointless stuff with a library happens. Andy becomes the librarian of the prison for like two hours and nobody will give him books, so he writes letters asking for books, and then finally he gets sent books. This takes him like twenty years, and he teaches a kid, but the kid gets shot by the guards, so there really was no point. Skip it, I say.

Then Andy does everybody’s taxes, and becomes the accountant for the warden, who’s a really mean guy, like all wardens are, and he plays a record over the PA system. All the inmates are like “Whoa! Music’s awesome. We forgot.” But now they’ll always remember. Anyway, Andy escapes because he had the rock hammer this whole time and steals a bunch of money from the warden. He then secretly tells Morgan Freeman to go find a rock in the middle of nowhere if he wants to meet up later. Somehow, Morgan Freeman finds this damn rock, and they go to Mexico to hang out. Then they smile knowingly at each other for a while on the beach.

Look, I don’t get it. Prison sucked in the 1800’s, and so he broke out. What’s the point, really? And how did Morgan Freeman find this rock? And how did he find Merlin on the beach in Mexico? I think people just like this movie because it’s so long. It’s like:

“Have you seen Shawshank?”
“No way man, that’s too long, I got bored.”
“Well, I have because I’m smart.”

Drinking Game:
Drink every time somebody smiles knowingly. It’s all the time.

Oh, one more thing. What the hell is a Shawshank?

Modern Classics Film Review: 28 Days Later

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 10:01:06 -0500

I watched 28 Days Later because I love seeing zombies kill things, and it was directed by the Slumdog guy. Unfortunately, there are more people laughing and running around grocery stores than there are zombies eating people to death.

28 Days Later: Five Stars

The movie starts out in a monkey lab, and these guys come in yelling “We’re gonna steal your monkeys!” But the scientist says “No! You shouldn’t!” So they’re like, “Why not? We’re gonna do it anyway!” And he’s all “They’re infected… with RAGE!” Obviously, that makes no sense, so they let the monkeys out. Turns out, they were pretty angry, because they eat a girl’s face off. Sweet. Then she eats the scientist’s face off. Double sweet.

That’s where things get boring. The guy who gets incepted in Inception (we’ll just call him Inception for short) wakes up in a hospital and is all sick and weak. Also, naked. There’s no reason for a dong shot here, but we get one. So, he walks around the hospital, not seeming too curious about where everyone in the hospital has gone, and he drinks some sodas somebody threw on the ground. Then he walks around some more, through all of England, where there’s also nobody. At no point does he worry about this. This all is boring. Unless you want to hear Inception say “Hello?” fifty thousand times, fast forward. For a zombie apocalypse, we still haven’t seen any zombies.

Next, he sees some zombies, and they run after him, but a bunch of people hit them with molotov cocktails. Then, those people are never seen again, because Inception goes off with this guy and a black girl (surprising in England). While they’re hanging out they tell him, “Oh, while you were asleep, zombies happened.” He’s just like “Damn. That sucks.” And, there’s no more king, or whatever the government in England is. [Side note: I want to see more king zombies.]

So, they’re like, “Never go anywhere, because of zombies.” But he’s all “My parents.” And they’re like, “Oh, sure we’ll go there though.” Obviously, his parents are dead. You think, maybe these guys will wake up and be zombies, but they don’t. Then some zombies attack and they fight them, and the other dude gets a cut, so the black girl chops him up with a machete. Pretty awesome. Then she tells Inception, “I’ll chop you up too.” But she won’t really.

Then they walk around, and she’s like “I’ll never sleep with you, Inception.” And he says, “Oh look at that apartment building.” So they go there, and climb up a grocery cart ladder and meet up with Mad Eye Moody and his daughter, who are like “Drink some creme de menthe with us. Party time!” Then they talk about shaving, and the weather, and how it’s not raining much, and on and on and on. Useless. Kill more zombies!

So, when they get bored, they decide to steal a taxi and go to Manchester, but first they shop for groceries. Really, 28 Days Later? They shop for groceries? And nobody kills any zombies? Anyway, they get groceries, and then they drive down in this tunnel, and you’re like “Shit’s gonna get real.” So they get a flat tire, because they’re driving on top of other cars, and they have to fix it, but all these rats show up, and then zombies run in. Again, you’re thinking: Sweet! Zombies. But they just get in the car and drive away. Nothing.

They drive and drive and drive, and go to a burger store, and it’s really gross, and Inception kills a little kid with a baseball bat. That was awesome. Then they see horses and pop pills and finally they get to Manchester. When they get there, Mad Eye Moody gets zombie blood on his eye because he’s really angry at this crow, so he turns into a zombie and shoves his daughter around, and Inception has to kill him.

Then they go to this castle with all these army guys who can’t cook and love shaving each other’s heads, and nothing happens forever until finally they’re like “We’re gonna rape your women.” Inception’s pissed, because he still wants to have sex with this girl, so, he runs around without his shirt and starts killing everybody and setting zombies loose. Then, all the soldiers get turned into zombies and start killing each other and they drive away in their taxi. All in all, not that great, but pretty good.

After that, they go to this cottage (there are so few zombies in England) and hang out until a plane sees them. The end. It should not take this long to describe a zombie movie. It feels like the zombies weren’t even the point. I gotta say, if zombies aren’t the point of zombie movies, I don’t know what is. It makes me wonder if Slumdog Millionaire even has dogs.

28 Days Later Drinking Game:
Drink every time you wish they were killing zombies.

Modern Classics Film Review: Home Alone

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 09:00:06 -0500

Everyone’s always talking about this movie being really good, and since it’s about Christmas, I thought I’d check it out instead of talking with my family. Also, I know a lot of people get hit in the balls, and that’s always funny!

Disclaimer: After watching the movie, only one person gets hit in the balls. Boring!

Home Alone: Five Stars

So, in this movie, there’s the Richie Rich kid, and everyone hates him, which is fair because he’s always wisecracking and being obnoxious. Who doesn’t know how to pack a suitcase? Come on, Richie Rich, have your butler do it! Anyway, then a cop shows up at their house, but we’re pretty sure he’s not a cop, because he’s Joe Pesci, and he and the pizza guy stand around talking forever while all these kids run around the house, refusing to pay for pizza. It’s anarchy. Finally, they pay for the pizza, and Buzz barfs a whole cheese pizza up, and they spill milk and soda on the passports and throw away the tickets (but that doesn’t ever matter).

They banish the kid to the attic to sleep, and then leave him behind in the morning as punishment, and because an annoying kid shows up at their house and they count him instead (it’s easy to confuse all these annoying kids). Then they run through the airport like all movies and go to France and the kid wakes up and is all “I wished my family away!” But he didn’t, they’re in France.

After that, he runs around and spills popcorn on all the beds and eats a lot of ice cream. Also, I have to point out now, there are a lot of people screaming in this movie. They scream all the time. They scream “AAH!” They scream “KEVIN!” They scream other stuff too. It’s loud.

Then Joe Pesci comes back, and we’re like, “Yep, he’s a criminal. It’s Joe Pesci.” And he’s got a stupid partner and they go around flooding houses and causing structural damage that insurance companies won’t pay for. Joe Pesci really wants to flood the kid’s house, but Richie Rich tricks them with a loud movie, and posters riding around on trains, until they’re like “Wait a minute. That’s just Richie Rich tricking us with posters riding around on trains.”

Then, this kid steals a toothbrush. For no reason. He’s a menace to society, his parents were right. He deserves to have his house flooded.

But, he hears Joe Pesci’s plan, so he makes his own plan: guard his house, and eat macaroni and cheese. But, he only ever guards his house! He doesn’t even time for the macaroni and cheese. So, he makes a lot of booby traps that house-flooders hate, like burning Joe Pesci’s hand, and burning Joe Pesci’s head, and hurting the other tall guy’s feet a lot. I mean, a lot. I felt bad for that guy’s feet.

Again, they all scream. Way too much. Mute the movie for all this part. They run around the house and he teases them (this kid is mean, even to house-flooders) and you think they might give up, but they don’t, and hit each other with crowbars and swing on a rope into a brick house.

At the end, Richie Rich escapes into a flooded house, but they catch him, but they get hit by shovels. Then they get arrested and Richie Rich teases them again! Unnecessary teasing, he’s learned nothing. But, on Christmas Day, his mom shows up because John Candy drove her back from France, and the rest of his family shows up from France on planes, and somehow, none of them notice that Richie Rich may have stopped their house from flooding, but still destroyed it with all his booby traps and foot hurters.

Look, I’ve got nothing against people getting hit in the head, but I do hate Richie Rich. His parents were right to leave him behind. I hope that’s what Home Alone 2’s all about: teaching Richie Rich a lesson, or how to pack.

Home Alone Drinking Game:

Drink when someone screams.

thedailywhat: Broken English Film Summary of the Day: Via...

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 17:54:23 -0500

thedailywhat:

Broken English Film Summary of the Day: Via Japanarchist: “Lovely Mika tells the story of Titanic. English is not her native language.”

[iheartchaos.]

Classic Film Review: 2001

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 15:02:00 -0500

I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey because I love space, and evil robots taking over the world, and I knew this had both. Turned out, it’s not really about either of those things, or about anything really. What this movie does have though is that sweet drum music from Spaceballs, some big black rocks, and a trippy space palace on Jupiter. Oh, also a fetus floats around space. It’s sweet.

2001: A Space Odyssey: Five Stars

Alright, so, this movie starts out about all these men in monkey suits walking around Africa. So right at the beginning you’re like, “Get to space already! False advertisement!” They run around and eat stuff, and then go to sleep. When they wake up, there’s this big black rock outside that they all prey to while epic music plays. Then they kill each other with bones, and celebrate by throwing the murder weapons in the air. Cue music!

Now we’re in space. Finally. No point to the monkeys whatsoever. And this shuttle goes to this other shuttle, and the guy talks into the voice analyzer and says: “The moon.” Then he talks on a terrible video phone (which didn’t even exist in 2001, by the way!) with his daughter who asks for a baby. Some other boring things happen about a disease and then he leaves for some place but everyone says “Oh, nobody can go there.” But he’s like “I can.” So he does. More music.

Then he goes and eats some sandwiches with astronauts on their way to the moon and talks about digging up some buried thing. That would be fine if we had any idea what the hell was going on, or who anybody was, or what the point is. I still don’t even know if this is supposed to be 2001 or the future. Oh, the buried thing was another big black rock, and they take pictures with it like Stonehenge. But then it starts beeping for no reason. More music.

Then, finally we get to the spaceship with the bad computer, HAL. So, these dudes are going somewhere like 80 million miles away, but we don’t know where or why and it doesn’t matter. But their computer HAL9000 is super smart and starts getting mean. I thought this would be cool, but it was pretty cliche. I mean, computers have been going evil and killing their crews in movies for years. And a red light? That’s always what they look like in movies. Be creative with your bad guys, especially space bad guys!

Even this part was boring so I’ll cut to the chase: Hal kills the one dude, so the other dude’s like, “No way is a computer going to beat me, even if it did at chess! I’m going to take it apart.” So he takes it apart. Then Hal sings a song for no reason.

Now we go to Jupiter, because they found life there. Here comes twenty minutes of stupid color flashing set to music. Just fast forward through it. After that, this dude walks around a weird red palace room that French kings would live in, and then a bunch of older hims show up, and it makes less sense than any of the other things before it. Finally, he drinks wine and passes out, and a baby flies around through space. Cool music!

I’m just gonna say it, this movie has too much music. Half the movie’s just things floating around space with classical music playing. Things floating around space are cool, but classical music isn’t, so it gets boring fast. If you fast forward through all that stuff, the movie might be better. Personally, I’d just watch Star Wars Episode One again if you want a good space movie.

Drinking Game: Drink when there’s classical music, or something takes forever, or things make no sense.

Modern Classics Film Review: Amadeus

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 14:00:07 -0500

Everyone said, “Oh, this movie’s good, it’s about Mozart,” and I was like “The baby musician?” Turns out, he wasn’t a baby, and babies shouldn’t listen to him, since he drinks a lot and they probably wouldn’t like his boring music. This movie’s just like an opera because it’s super long and everybody wears wigs.

Amadeus: Five Stars

The movie starts out with this guy Salieri who got stabbed in the throat, but wait, it turns out he stabbed himself in the throat. He wants to kill himself because Mozart’s better than him at writing music. It’s tough to tell if he actually is, because I don’t know anything about music. But Salieri’s convinced, so he blames God for making him suck at music and making Mozart awesome.

Salieri especially hates Mozart for always making fun of his music and hanging out with the emperor. Also, Mozart has this super gay laugh, and likes to play music upside down while drinking champagne which probably pisses Salieri off too. What’s really cool about Mozart is his wife lets him bring home other women to sleep with.

So Salieri plans to kill Mozart by making him write two operas at once. That may or may not be a lot, but for Mozart it ends up being a lot, and his wife’s like “Mozart, you’re super great, but you can’t write two operas at once! That’s crazy!” And he’s like “I’m crazy!” She doesn’t seem too happy about the girls anymore, either. So, Mozart gets super stressed and dies, and Salieri goes to a mental hospital because he’s crazy now.

Overall, I’d say, “Boring!” but there were some cool things like the upside down music, and the dudes running around in capes, and frankly, Salieri’s opera looked cooler to watch than Mozart’s. What’s also cool, is that it’s all a true story, which I guess makes Mozart less boring. I’d never let your baby watch Mozart though. Also, I don’t know where the name Amadeus comes from, they should have just called the movie Mozart.

Mozart Drinking Game: Drink when Mozart laughs and when Salieri says God. That dude loves God.

Classic Film Review: Psycho

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 13:05:06 -0500

My brother had to watch it for a class, so I watched it too. I love a good gore fest, and movies with ladies showering, so I figured it was a perfect movie. Turns out, you don’t get to see a single boob. Still an okay movie though.

Psycho: Five Stars

First of all, this movie’s black and white, which automatically makes it more boring. Also, it’s not scary. There’s this girl who steals a drunk cowboy’s money from her boss, so then she goes to meet her boyfriend with it but falls asleep driving. So she sleeps on the side of the road like a beautiful hobo, and a police officer follows her and she trades her car in to the world’s most reluctant used car dealer. While she’s doing this, the cop shows back up for no reason. All this takes forever and has no point. The famous creepy music keeps playing but none of this is creepy at all. She also has schizophrenia or something, because she keeps hearing voices all the time. None of this ever matters again.

Then she goes to the Bates Motel, and you’re like “Sweet! Finally some killing!” But she just ends up eating sandwiches with the guy forever and talking about stuffing birds! When you’re just about to fall asleep, she gets in the shower but you don’t even see boobs. Finally, he kills her! He’s dressed like an old lady when he does it. There’s hardly even any blood. It’s pretty boring compared to good horror movies with tits and gore like Hostel.

So, then there’s a boring mystery movie that happens forever. A private eye goes to the Bates Motel, and is all, “Hey show me the register, you said nobody came here for two weeks, but people came here a week ago!” So Bates kills him and he flies down the stairs, and Bates dumps his car in a tar pit. Then the schizophrenic robber girl’s boyfriend goes with her sister and they try to be sneaky, but they’re not very sneaky. In fact, they’re really bad at being sneaky. He also insists he gets a receipt, for a really long time. The sister finds his dead mom’s body in this old house on a hill, which looks super fake, then he goes to jail. I don’t get it. People used to be so scared of boring stuff.

Then, this psychiatrist talks forever about why Bates is crazy. I don’t care! Let him be crazy, just as long as he kills a lot of people in the movie. And the judge is all “You’re just setting us up for an insanity plea!” but the shrink is all “I don’t care about the plea! He thinks he’s his mom!” While this is all happening, Bates wraps himself up in a blanket and smiles.

Drinking Game: Drink when they say Mrs. Bates, and you’ll black out pretty early.

Classic Film Review: MAS*H

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 12:00:07 -0500

Sorry, M*A*S*H is going to take too long to type every time, and I don’t know what the stars stand for anyway. Is there some sort of swear word I’m missing here? I figured I’d watch MASH because it’s based on a TV show about war, but the guys don’t even do very much fighting. I guess it was pretty funny though, and there’s a lot of sex, so that’s cool.

MASH: Five Stars

So, this movie’s in Vietnam I think, and the guys who MASH aren’t real soldiers, but doctors and surgeons and stuff. There’s a lot of women too, and they’re all nurses, and love having sex with all the guys, even though they’re all married. Hawkeye (cool name) is the main guy, and he drinks more martinis than James Bond, but isn’t quite as cool, probably because he secretly cares about stuff.

Then the Godfather’s consigliere shows up, and he loves God, and prays a lot, and the other guys hate him for it because they’re all atheists (except for the old Jewish guy from Ocean’s 12). But it’s okay, because they make fun of the consigliere with a Christian war song march.

We can’t tell if they’re good doctors or not, even though they do a lot of surgeries, because we never see their patients or if they live or not. But trust me, these guys are no Dr. House, there’s lots of blood, and they don’t seem nearly as smart. Although, they do have a pretty House moment when they cure a guy’s gayness and bonerloss by tricking a nurse into sleeping with him once he thinks he’s dead. Then they never talk about it again, like all bonerloss.

Also, at one point, they try to buy a Chinese kid, but his dad’s like “No way, my son has high blood pressure.” And they’re like “Damn it!” The best part’s probably when they listen to Hot Lips have sex with the Christian Consigliere guy. That was pretty funny.

They also go to Japan and play golf, and the sergeant there is like “You guys are terrible doctors,” but Hawkeye and Ocean’s 12 are like “That’s not true, we’re great. We’re just awful people.” Then I think they get court-martialed, or maybe not, but they do have to play against the Army in football (I thought they were the Army???), and somehow find tons of equipment just lying around. I honestly don’t know who won, but the game went on forever. By the end, I was pretty bored. I expected some fighting to happen, since it’s a war movie, or at least more jokes like the TV show. This is why you should never make movies out of TV shows, they won’t be as good.

Oh, at the end, they all get to go home. Nobody even dies.

MASH Drinking Game:

Just drink when Hawkeye makes weird sounds. You’ll get it when you see it.

Classic Film Review: Citizen Kane

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 10:00:06 -0500

This film’s a tricky one because it’s black and white, which makes movies boring, but it’s also got some cool stuff in it like a crazy castle with peacocks and shit. I didn’t want to watch it because it’s old, but everyone was like “Oh, you have to see that, it’s famous.” I was like, “Who cares?” But they were like, “What if we play a drinking game while we watch it?” So I was like, “Whatever.”

Citizen Kane: Five Stars

Citizen Kane is this guy who’s super rich because he owns all the newspapers and he dies in his bed with his favorite snow globe named Rosebud and his maid’s all like “Holy shit, I gotta tell people his last words.” Oh, his last words were just one word, so it’s more like “Holy shit, I gotta tell people his last word.” His last word was Rosebud.

So then this other newspaper guy who doesn’t work for Citizen Kane’s newspapers, is all “I gotta investigate this!” He goes to a nightclub place and talks with a washed up singer lady, who was married to Kane and she’s drunk and won’t talk with him. Then he reads this book and and there’s a million flashbacks that happen where we see Citizen running around in the snow and buying newspapers and getting super rich and stuff. Citizen’s sort of a jerk, and sometimes he just writes stuff in his paper that’s not really true, but he also builds a huge castle and gets all the ladies, so it evens out.

The newspaper guy starts going all over and asking people if they were friends with Citizen Kane, but everybody hated him since he was such a jerk. He even talks with some other old guy who smokes a lot of cigars even though he’s not supposed to and that guy’s all “I don’t know what you’re talking about” when the reporter asks him about Citizen’s last word.

When Citizen finally gets old and dies, nobody loves him, except his nurse/maid and this newspaper guy doing the reporting. The end’s not that good, but it looks like a rip off of Raiders of the Lost Ark, because there’s a bunch of boxes and stuff in this warehouse. By now the newspaper guy’s sick of it, and when they ask him about Citizen’s last word he’s just like “It doesn’t matter. Who cares?” And nobody does care. Case closed.

Citizen Kane: Drinking Game

Just take a drink whenever they say Rosebud. That’s it.

Classic Film Review: Annie Hall

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 14:00:06 -0500

Now, this film never really interested me at all, but it’s on a bunch of lists of romantic movies, so I was like: “Alright. I’ll watch it.” Then I did.

The movie’s weird, and the main guy looks a lot like Woody Allen and tells jokes that aren’t that funny, but it’s kinda cool if you have nothing better to do I guess. Or if a girl wants to watch something, then you can just be like: “Oh. I guess we could watch this.” So, I guess it gets five stars.

Annie Hall: Five Stars

Annie Hall is a mockumentary about this guy Alvy who looks a lot like Woody Allen (frankly I think he could get sued) who travels through time and looks at all this stuff from when he was a kid and lived under a roller coaster and when he was dating this girl Annie.

Alvy talks to the camera a lot, and tells really bad jokes, which is really just lazy film making and breaks a lot of rules about it (I’ve read books). And now he’s all sad because Annie broke up with him so he has to like go back and check out all the stuff they did, and when he’s a kid he talks with a shrink about how the universe is expanding. Then he’s old again and going to see some Nazi movie and the dude behind him is a total weirdo so Alvy tells more jokes to the camera. Then when he tries to have sex with Annie, she’s all “No thanks.”

So, Alvy goes back in time and we meet his first wife who works for this charity and then she becomes all weird and hosts parties for writers and stuff with a bunch of different cheeses, so Alvy’s like “This blows,” and watches basketball. Then we see this guy try and cook lobsters but they get loose, which is pretty stupid because lobsters can’t go anywhere really when you think about it.

And we see all this stuff from their relationship and she’s a bad driver and Alvy’s all “Whoa. You’re a bad driver” and she’s all “La-de-da. I love you.” And she’s a singer, so Alvy goes and sees her show. She’s a pretty bad singer, but Alvy lies to her to make her feel better.

Then they go to her house and Christopher Walken’s her brother and he talks about running people over with his car, and Alvy makes a bad joke about it and leaves. Then he buys Annie a bunch of depressing books, and she breaks up with him and moves to LA to sing for this weird porno guy.

Alvy’s pissed and tries to date other girls but they’re weird so he goes out to LA to visit another weird porno guy that’s his friend and they go to the weird porno guy that Annie knows’ house and Alvy crashes his car and yells at the police and talks with Annie and she’s all: “I don’t love you. La-de-da.” So he writes a bad play about the movie and then is all “Well, it’s a bad play, I know.” Then he says some stuff about relationships and makes some more bad jokes, and the movie’s over.

Modern Classics Film Review: Forrest Gump

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 12:00:06 -0500

Any movie that has a retarded guy as the main character wins Oscars, sure, but are they ever any good? After you’ve seen Forrest Gump you’ll know the answer: yeah. I never saw this until now, because I was always like “How can a little gimp boy always be running around? Doesn’t make sense.” But then someone explained how he couldn’t run until he really needed to, and then I was like “Alright.” So I watched it.

Forrest Gump: Five Stars

Forrest Gump is this weird guy who lives at a bus stop and tells people about growing up and doing crazy stuff. When he starts the story he’s a weird kid living somewhere in the south in this big house that his mom uses as a hotel for some reason and his legs are all crippled and clamped in weird metal things and this girl Jenny’s always running around with him (well, not running, but, you know). He likes it fine, even though people tease him for being a stupid retarded cripple who can’t walk. But Jenny hates it because her dad beats her up or something and so she’s always climbing into trees and crying.

One day Forrest has to run really fast to get away from some mean people, and Jenny’s all: “Run!” He starts running, but the braces are on his legs and they’re creaking and slowing him down but then they break off and he’s cured. It’s a miracle. Oh, before that he meets Elvis and shows him how to dance.

Right, so, his legs are better and he plays football and he’s really good but he never stops running. This makes practice very difficult. Then he’s in the army and he’s always running around there too, and his Lieutenant Dan’s mean, but in a nice way so you still like him. Then everybody in Vietnam gets blown up, and Forrest runs around saving them, especially Bubba but he can’t save Bubba because Bubba’s pretty dead already. So he saves Lt. Dan.

Dan’s all pissed because he doens’t have legs and can’t walk around so he still acts mean to Forrest even though Forrest got shot in the butt for him. Forrest is really good at ping pong and beats China in the ping pong championships and Richard Nixon talks with him about bathrooms and soda pop.

He and Lt. Dan start fishing for stuff and make a lot of money but Dan’s always falling into the water and nearly drowning so Forrest has to save him. Forrest’s mom is really old now and she dies and he decides he should run across the world, and he does that about a million times and makes up a bunch of funny t-shirts until he decides he doesn’t want to do that anymore because he has a big beard that gets in the way of his legs.

After the running, Jenny’s crazy on drugs but she and Forrest make out in the pool in Washington and then she tries to kill herself but doesn’t and then she has Forrest’s baby but she dies and they bury her and Forrest cries a lot. He takes his kid to school, and the kid’s pretty cute and stuff and Forrest’s sad but he lives in the big house hotel again so he’s happy.

When he finishes his story everybody on the bus is all, “that’s sad, but a good story,” and this feather floats around longer than any feather ever should.