Posts tagged Drinking Game

I like superheroes and I like America so I thought, “Alright. I’ll see that movie.” I figured Captain America would be a really awesome superhero with sweet powers, but it turns out he’s just a guy with a silly hat and a stupid shield. Who uses a shield?

Captain America: Five Stars


So Captain America is this guy who used to be really skinny who joins the army because he wants to be cool like his friend. Nobody likes him because he’s so skinny, but then, this army doctor is like “I like you. You can join the army now. We’ll drink schnapps later.” So he joins the army and is really bad at it, and nobody likes him at all. Especially the guy from Men in Black who isn’t Will Smith. He’s the Sergeant and he’s mean.  Then this English girl is like “I like you. You can be Captain America now.” She takes him to a secret lab in this old lady’s basement and then they give him shots to make him a superhero. Apparently, super hero in the past just means a strong guy. He’s strong now.

A nazi spy comes and shoots the doctor and Captain America chases him. Now Captain is like “Sweet, I’m strong and can go to the army.” but the army is like “Actually you can’t. But you can go be in plays. Put on this dumb outfit.” So he’s in plays and movies. Alright, look, just fight nazis already.

After like forever, he decides he’s sick of dressing up and tells the Men in Black guy he’s going to fight. He’s like no, but the English girl is like yes so he fights Nazis. This isn’t as exciting as you want it to be because he just uses guns and tanks and stuff. Captain America has no superpowers except throwing his shield around. The bad guy is actually super cool and has a red skull, and you kind of root for him, which is weird because he’s a Nazi. But he doesn’t really have superpowers either except for lasers.

Anyway, Captain America fights some guys in a montage that’s like fifty minutes long, and in it his friend from earlier dies when he jumps off a train. Captain is sad but the English girl tells him, “Keep fighting. You’re Captain America.” So he does.

At the end he fights with Agent Smith Red Skull and takes over his bad guy plane. Instead of landing it, Captain America decides to crash it into the North Pole. Why? I don’t know. He doesn’t even try to live at all. The English girl is very sad that he died because she had a crush on him ever since before when he was skinny and lame. But Captain America didn’t die, because he was frozen, and at the end he wakes up in the past but it actually ends up being the present.

Look, if you’re making a super hero, he has to be super. If you’re going to give a guy a red skull, he better breathe fire or something sweet. I feel like Wolverine would be a better Captain America and he’s from Canada I think. If Captain America could fly or shoot lasers from his eyes or something I might have been more into it. Even Batman has gadgets at least.

Drinking game: Drink every time someone says Captain.

I watched this movie because I knew the Rain Man was in it. The title made me think there would be more action like Cowboys and Aliens, but overall the movie’s actually kind of boring. There are no Indians at all, but there are boobs, so that’s cool.

Midnight Cowboy: Five Stars

Ok, Midnight Cowboy is about this cowboy who quits his job and goes to New York to become a hustler. I thought that meant being good at pool but it actually means having sex a lot, so he wants to do that. When he gets there he lives in a hotel and meets the guy from Rain Man (finally! There’s like 20 minutes before that). He’s named after the rat in the Muppets, Ratso. Ratso tells Midnight he’ll help him have sex more, so he takes him to see an old creepy religious guy. The guy tries to get Midnight to pray, so he runs away. So then Midnight gets really poor and he and Fatso live together like hobos.

They eat gruel or something and steal fruits from Italians. Gay guys make fun of them a lot. The one cool thing they do is go to this party and smoke drugs and take lots of pictures with this brother and sister. Midnight takes a woman home to have sex and leaves Rain Man who falls down the stairs.

Oh, also, Midnight has gay sex with a glasses boy in a movie theater. Everybody who’s gay and likes sex in New York dresses like a cowboy. After the movie and gay stuff Midnight and glasses boy go to the bathroom together. He’s like, “Look, if I’m gonna have sex with guys, I need money, glasses boy.” Glass boy wants to fight, but Midnight doesn’t take money from him because you can’t steal from a guy who can’t see. Midnight has morals.

Also, he has a lot of weird sad flashbacks. Sometimes it’s of his grandma having sex with guys. Sometimes it’s of guys having sex with his girlfriend. Weird. Anyway, at the end Rain Man wants to go to Florida so Midnight takes him. The movie ends when Rain Man pees his pants and dies on the bus.

Overall, I’d say this movie isn’t as great as people say. If you want to watch a cowboy movie, you should get a John Wayne one. If you want a Rain Man movie, watch Rain Man or Meet the Fockers. Both are way funnier than this and don’t have the weird stuff.

Midnight Cowboy Drinking Game: Every time somebody says Cowboy or Ratso.

Everyone always said this movie’s really good, and it has Morgan Freeman, and blah, blah, blah, but let me tell you something, it’s really long. Even though I fell asleep during it, I don’t think I missed a whole lot.

The Shawshank Redemption: Five Stars

So, the movie’s about this guy Andy (played by Merlin from Top Gun) in like the 1800’s who goes to prison for killing his wife. He says he didn’t do it, but she was cheating on him, and in the 1800’s that was proof. Also, they found his gun, so that’s pretty much proof everywhere. But later he says he didn’t do it, and nobody believes him, but it turns out he really didn’t do it because he’s like the nicest guy ever.

Anyway, he goes to prison and makes friends with Morgan Freeman who tells him “You better watch out, guys are gonna rape you.” I guess prisons haven’t changed all that much, because those guys do rape him. They rape him for two years. It sort of feels like it while you’re watching. In the meantime, he asks Morgan Freeman for a rock hammer, and Morgan Freeman says “What, are you gonna escape?” and Merlin says, “No way, it’s for making stuff out of rocks,” so Morgan Freeman says “I’ll get it for you then.” But, he was lying, he uses it to escape. Which takes FOREVER.

Before he escapes, he and his friends and Morgan Freeman fix the prison’s roof, and one of the guards threatens to throw Merlin off for sleeping with his wife, but he’s all, “Don’t kill me, I’m an accountant.” So the guard’s like “Sweet. I just inherited money and the government wants to take it.” After that, the guards give them beer to drink on the roof, and they all have a good time, except for Andy, who just sits there smiling knowingly. This guy thinks he’s so much better than everyone else.

After that, all this pointless stuff with a library happens. Andy becomes the librarian of the prison for like two hours and nobody will give him books, so he writes letters asking for books, and then finally he gets sent books. This takes him like twenty years, and he teaches a kid, but the kid gets shot by the guards, so there really was no point. Skip it, I say.

Then Andy does everybody’s taxes, and becomes the accountant for the warden, who’s a really mean guy, like all wardens are, and he plays a record over the PA system. All the inmates are like “Whoa! Music’s awesome. We forgot.” But now they’ll always remember. Anyway, Andy escapes because he had the rock hammer this whole time and steals a bunch of money from the warden. He then secretly tells Morgan Freeman to go find a rock in the middle of nowhere if he wants to meet up later. Somehow, Morgan Freeman finds this damn rock, and they go to Mexico to hang out. Then they smile knowingly at each other for a while on the beach.

Look, I don’t get it. Prison sucked in the 1800’s, and so he broke out. What’s the point, really? And how did Morgan Freeman find this rock? And how did he find Merlin on the beach in Mexico?  I think people just like this movie because it’s so long. It’s like:

“Have you seen Shawshank?”
“No way man, that’s too long, I got bored.”
“Well, I have because I’m smart.”

Drinking Game:
Drink every time somebody smiles knowingly. It’s all the time.

Oh, one more thing. What the hell is a Shawshank?

I watched 28 Days Later because I love seeing zombies kill things, and it was directed by the Slumdog guy. Unfortunately, there are more people laughing and running around grocery stores than there are zombies eating people to death. 

28 Days Later: Five Stars

The movie starts out in a monkey lab, and these guys come in yelling “We’re gonna steal your monkeys!” But the scientist says “No! You shouldn’t!” So they’re like, “Why not? We’re gonna do it anyway!” And he’s all “They’re infected… with RAGE!” Obviously, that makes no sense, so they let the monkeys out. Turns out, they were pretty angry, because they eat a girl’s face off. Sweet. Then she eats the scientist’s face off. Double sweet.

That’s where things get boring. The guy who gets incepted in Inception (we’ll just call him Inception for short) wakes up in a hospital and is all sick and weak. Also, naked. There’s no reason for a dong shot here, but we get one. So, he walks around the hospital, not seeming too curious about where everyone in the hospital has gone, and he drinks some sodas somebody threw on the ground. Then he walks around some more, through all of England, where there’s also nobody. At no point does he worry about this. This all is boring. Unless you want to hear Inception say “Hello?” fifty thousand times, fast forward. For a zombie apocalypse, we still haven’t seen any zombies.

Next, he sees some zombies, and they run after him, but a bunch of people hit them with molotov cocktails. Then, those people are never seen again, because Inception goes off with this guy and a black girl (surprising in England). While they’re hanging out they tell him, “Oh, while you were asleep, zombies happened.” He’s just like “Damn. That sucks.” And, there’s no more king, or whatever the government in England is. [Side note: I want to see more king zombies.]

So, they’re like, “Never go anywhere, because of zombies.” But he’s all “My parents.” And they’re like, “Oh, sure we’ll go there though.” Obviously, his parents are dead. You think, maybe these guys will wake up and be zombies, but they don’t. Then some zombies attack and they fight them, and the other dude gets a cut, so the black girl chops him up with a machete. Pretty awesome. Then she tells Inception, “I’ll chop you up too.” But she won’t really.

Then they walk around, and she’s like “I’ll never sleep with you, Inception.” And he says, “Oh look at that apartment building.” So they go there, and climb up a grocery cart ladder and meet up with Mad Eye Moody and his daughter, who are like “Drink some creme de menthe with us. Party time!” Then they talk about shaving, and the weather, and how it’s not raining much, and on and on and on. Useless. Kill more zombies!

So, when they get bored, they decide to steal a taxi and go to Manchester, but first they shop for groceries. Really, 28 Days Later? They shop for groceries? And nobody kills any zombies? Anyway, they get groceries, and then they drive down in this tunnel, and you’re like “Shit’s gonna get real.” So they get a flat tire, because they’re driving on top of other cars, and they have to fix it, but all these rats show up, and then zombies run in. Again, you’re thinking: Sweet! Zombies. But they just get in the car and drive away. Nothing.

They drive and drive and drive, and go to a burger store, and it’s really gross, and Inception kills a little kid with a baseball bat. That was awesome. Then they see horses and pop pills and finally they get to Manchester. When they get there, Mad Eye Moody gets zombie blood on his eye because he’s really angry at this crow, so he turns into a zombie and shoves his daughter around, and Inception has to kill him.

Then they go to this castle with all these army guys who can’t cook and love shaving each other’s heads, and nothing happens forever until finally they’re like “We’re gonna rape your women.” Inception’s pissed, because he still wants to have sex with this girl, so, he runs around without his shirt and starts killing everybody and setting zombies loose. Then, all the soldiers get turned into zombies and start killing each other and they drive away in their taxi. All in all, not that great, but pretty good.

After that, they go to this cottage (there are so few zombies in England) and hang out until a plane sees them. The end. It should not take this long to describe a zombie movie. It feels like the zombies weren’t even the point. I gotta say, if zombies aren’t the point of zombie movies, I don’t know what is. It makes me wonder if Slumdog Millionaire even has dogs.

28 Days Later Drinking Game:
Drink every time you wish they were killing zombies.

Everyone said, “Oh, this movie’s good, it’s about Mozart,” and I was like “The baby musician?” Turns out, he wasn’t a baby, and babies shouldn’t listen to him, since he drinks a lot and they probably wouldn’t like his boring music. This movie’s just like an opera because it’s super long and everybody wears wigs.

Amadeus: Five Stars

The movie starts out with this guy Salieri who got stabbed in the throat, but wait, it turns out he stabbed himself in the throat. He wants to kill himself because Mozart’s better than him at writing music. It’s tough to tell if he actually is, because I don’t know anything about music. But Salieri’s convinced, so he blames God for making him suck at music and making Mozart awesome.

Salieri especially hates Mozart for always making fun of his music and hanging out with the emperor. Also, Mozart has this super gay laugh, and likes to play music upside down while drinking champagne which probably pisses Salieri off too. What’s really cool about Mozart is his wife lets him bring home other women to sleep with.

So Salieri plans to kill Mozart by making him write two operas at once. That may or may not be a lot, but for Mozart it ends up being a lot, and his wife’s like “Mozart, you’re super great, but you can’t write two operas at once! That’s crazy!” And he’s like “I’m crazy!” She doesn’t seem too happy about the girls anymore, either. So, Mozart gets super stressed and dies, and Salieri goes to a mental hospital because he’s crazy now.

Overall, I’d say, “Boring!” but there were some cool things like the upside down music, and the dudes running around in capes, and frankly, Salieri’s opera looked cooler to watch than Mozart’s. What’s also cool, is that it’s all a true story, which I guess makes Mozart less boring. I’d never let your baby watch Mozart though. Also, I don’t know where the name Amadeus comes from, they should have just called the movie Mozart.

Mozart Drinking Game: Drink when Mozart laughs and when Salieri says God. That dude loves God.

My brother had to watch it for a class, so I watched it too. I love a good gore fest, and movies with ladies showering, so I figured it was a perfect movie. Turns out, you don’t get to see a single boob. Still an okay movie though.

Psycho: Five Stars

First of all, this movie’s black and white, which automatically makes it more boring. Also, it’s not scary. There’s this girl who steals a drunk cowboy’s money from her boss, so then she goes to meet her boyfriend with it but falls asleep driving. So she sleeps on the side of the road like a beautiful hobo, and a police officer follows her and she trades her car in to the world’s most reluctant used car dealer. While she’s doing this, the cop shows back up for no reason. All this takes forever and has no point. The famous creepy music keeps playing but none of this is creepy at all. She also has schizophrenia or something, because she keeps hearing voices all the time. None of this ever matters again.

Then she goes to the Bates Motel, and you’re like “Sweet! Finally some killing!” But she just ends up eating sandwiches with the guy forever and talking about stuffing birds! When you’re just about to fall asleep, she gets in the shower but you don’t even see boobs. Finally, he kills her! He’s dressed like an old lady when he does it. There’s hardly even any blood. It’s pretty boring compared to good horror movies with tits and gore like Hostel.

So, then there’s a boring mystery movie that happens forever. A private eye goes to the Bates Motel, and is all, “Hey show me the register, you said nobody came here for two weeks, but people came here a week ago!” So Bates kills him and he flies down the stairs, and Bates dumps his car in a tar pit. Then the schizophrenic robber girl’s boyfriend goes with her sister and they try to be sneaky, but they’re not very sneaky. In fact, they’re really bad at being sneaky. He also insists he gets a receipt, for a really long time. The sister finds his dead mom’s body in this old house on a hill, which looks super fake, then he goes to jail. I don’t get it. People used to be so scared of boring stuff.

Then, this psychiatrist talks forever about why Bates is crazy. I don’t care! Let him be crazy, just as long as he kills a lot of people in the movie. And the judge is all “You’re just setting us up for an insanity plea!” but the shrink is all “I don’t care about the plea! He thinks he’s his mom!” While this is all happening, Bates wraps himself up in a blanket and smiles.

Drinking Game: Drink when they say Mrs. Bates, and you’ll black out pretty early.

Sorry, M*A*S*H is going to take too long to type every time, and I don’t know what the stars stand for anyway. Is there some sort of swear word I’m missing here? I figured I’d watch MASH because it’s based on a TV show about war, but the guys don’t even do very much fighting. I guess it was pretty funny though, and there’s a lot of sex, so that’s cool.

MASH: Five Stars

So, this movie’s in Vietnam I think, and the guys who MASH aren’t real soldiers, but doctors and surgeons and stuff. There’s a lot of women too, and they’re all nurses, and love having sex with all the guys, even though they’re all married. Hawkeye (cool name) is the main guy, and he drinks more martinis than James Bond, but isn’t quite as cool, probably because he secretly cares about stuff.

Then the Godfather’s consigliere shows up, and he loves God, and prays a lot, and the other guys hate him for it because they’re all atheists (except for the old Jewish guy from Ocean’s 12). But it’s okay, because they make fun of the consigliere with a Christian war song march.

We can’t tell if they’re good doctors or not, even though they do a lot of surgeries, because we never see their patients or if they live or not. But trust me, these guys are no Dr. House, there’s lots of blood, and they don’t seem nearly as smart. Although, they do have a pretty House moment when they cure a guy’s gayness and bonerloss by tricking a nurse into sleeping with him once he thinks he’s dead. Then they never talk about it again, like all bonerloss.

Also, at one point, they try to buy a Chinese kid, but his dad’s like “No way, my son has high blood pressure.” And they’re like “Damn it!” The best part’s probably when they listen to Hot Lips have sex with the Christian Consigliere guy. That was pretty funny.

They also go to Japan and play golf, and the sergeant there is like “You guys are terrible doctors,” but Hawkeye and Ocean’s 12 are like “That’s not true, we’re great. We’re just awful people.” Then I think they get court-martialed, or maybe not, but they do have to play against the Army in football (I thought they were the Army???), and somehow find tons of equipment just lying around. I honestly don’t know who won, but the game went on forever. By the end, I was pretty bored. I expected some fighting to happen, since it’s a war movie, or at least more jokes like the TV show. This is why you should never make movies out of TV shows, they won’t be as good.

Oh, at the end, they all get to go home. Nobody even dies.

MASH Drinking Game:

Just drink when Hawkeye makes weird sounds. You’ll get it when you see it.

This film’s a tricky one because it’s black and white, which makes movies boring, but it’s also got some cool stuff in it like a crazy castle with peacocks and shit. I didn’t want to watch it because it’s old, but everyone was like “Oh, you have to see that, it’s famous.” I was like, “Who cares?” But they were like, “What if we play a drinking game while we watch it?” So I was like, “Whatever.” 

Citizen Kane: Five Stars

Citizen Kane is this guy who’s super rich because he owns all the newspapers and he dies in his bed with his favorite snow globe named Rosebud and his maid’s all like “Holy shit, I gotta tell people his last words.” Oh, his last words were just one word, so it’s more like “Holy shit, I gotta tell people his last word.” His last word was Rosebud.

So then this other newspaper guy who doesn’t work for Citizen Kane’s newspapers, is all “I gotta investigate this!” He goes to a nightclub place and talks with a washed up singer lady, who was married to Kane and she’s drunk and won’t talk with him. Then he reads this book and and there’s a million flashbacks that happen where we see Citizen running around in the snow and buying newspapers and getting super rich and stuff. Citizen’s sort of a jerk, and sometimes he just writes stuff in his paper that’s not really true, but he also builds a huge castle and gets all the ladies, so it evens out.

The newspaper guy starts going all over and asking people if they were friends with Citizen Kane, but everybody hated him since he was such a jerk. He even talks with some other old guy who smokes a lot of cigars even though he’s not supposed to and that guy’s all “I don’t know what you’re talking about” when the reporter asks him about Citizen’s last word.

When Citizen finally gets old and dies, nobody loves him, except his nurse/maid and this newspaper guy doing the reporting. The end’s not that good, but it looks like a rip off of Raiders of the Lost Ark, because there’s a bunch of boxes and stuff in this warehouse. By now the newspaper guy’s sick of it, and when they ask him about Citizen’s last word he’s just like “It doesn’t matter. Who cares?” And nobody does care. Case closed.

Citizen Kane: Drinking Game

Just take a drink whenever they say Rosebud. That’s it.