Posts tagged Military

I watched 28 Days Later because I love seeing zombies kill things, and it was directed by the Slumdog guy. Unfortunately, there are more people laughing and running around grocery stores than there are zombies eating people to death. 

28 Days Later: Five Stars

The movie starts out in a monkey lab, and these guys come in yelling “We’re gonna steal your monkeys!” But the scientist says “No! You shouldn’t!” So they’re like, “Why not? We’re gonna do it anyway!” And he’s all “They’re infected… with RAGE!” Obviously, that makes no sense, so they let the monkeys out. Turns out, they were pretty angry, because they eat a girl’s face off. Sweet. Then she eats the scientist’s face off. Double sweet.

That’s where things get boring. The guy who gets incepted in Inception (we’ll just call him Inception for short) wakes up in a hospital and is all sick and weak. Also, naked. There’s no reason for a dong shot here, but we get one. So, he walks around the hospital, not seeming too curious about where everyone in the hospital has gone, and he drinks some sodas somebody threw on the ground. Then he walks around some more, through all of England, where there’s also nobody. At no point does he worry about this. This all is boring. Unless you want to hear Inception say “Hello?” fifty thousand times, fast forward. For a zombie apocalypse, we still haven’t seen any zombies.

Next, he sees some zombies, and they run after him, but a bunch of people hit them with molotov cocktails. Then, those people are never seen again, because Inception goes off with this guy and a black girl (surprising in England). While they’re hanging out they tell him, “Oh, while you were asleep, zombies happened.” He’s just like “Damn. That sucks.” And, there’s no more king, or whatever the government in England is. [Side note: I want to see more king zombies.]

So, they’re like, “Never go anywhere, because of zombies.” But he’s all “My parents.” And they’re like, “Oh, sure we’ll go there though.” Obviously, his parents are dead. You think, maybe these guys will wake up and be zombies, but they don’t. Then some zombies attack and they fight them, and the other dude gets a cut, so the black girl chops him up with a machete. Pretty awesome. Then she tells Inception, “I’ll chop you up too.” But she won’t really.

Then they walk around, and she’s like “I’ll never sleep with you, Inception.” And he says, “Oh look at that apartment building.” So they go there, and climb up a grocery cart ladder and meet up with Mad Eye Moody and his daughter, who are like “Drink some creme de menthe with us. Party time!” Then they talk about shaving, and the weather, and how it’s not raining much, and on and on and on. Useless. Kill more zombies!

So, when they get bored, they decide to steal a taxi and go to Manchester, but first they shop for groceries. Really, 28 Days Later? They shop for groceries? And nobody kills any zombies? Anyway, they get groceries, and then they drive down in this tunnel, and you’re like “Shit’s gonna get real.” So they get a flat tire, because they’re driving on top of other cars, and they have to fix it, but all these rats show up, and then zombies run in. Again, you’re thinking: Sweet! Zombies. But they just get in the car and drive away. Nothing.

They drive and drive and drive, and go to a burger store, and it’s really gross, and Inception kills a little kid with a baseball bat. That was awesome. Then they see horses and pop pills and finally they get to Manchester. When they get there, Mad Eye Moody gets zombie blood on his eye because he’s really angry at this crow, so he turns into a zombie and shoves his daughter around, and Inception has to kill him.

Then they go to this castle with all these army guys who can’t cook and love shaving each other’s heads, and nothing happens forever until finally they’re like “We’re gonna rape your women.” Inception’s pissed, because he still wants to have sex with this girl, so, he runs around without his shirt and starts killing everybody and setting zombies loose. Then, all the soldiers get turned into zombies and start killing each other and they drive away in their taxi. All in all, not that great, but pretty good.

After that, they go to this cottage (there are so few zombies in England) and hang out until a plane sees them. The end. It should not take this long to describe a zombie movie. It feels like the zombies weren’t even the point. I gotta say, if zombies aren’t the point of zombie movies, I don’t know what is. It makes me wonder if Slumdog Millionaire even has dogs.

28 Days Later Drinking Game:
Drink every time you wish they were killing zombies.

Sorry, M*A*S*H is going to take too long to type every time, and I don’t know what the stars stand for anyway. Is there some sort of swear word I’m missing here? I figured I’d watch MASH because it’s based on a TV show about war, but the guys don’t even do very much fighting. I guess it was pretty funny though, and there’s a lot of sex, so that’s cool.

MASH: Five Stars

So, this movie’s in Vietnam I think, and the guys who MASH aren’t real soldiers, but doctors and surgeons and stuff. There’s a lot of women too, and they’re all nurses, and love having sex with all the guys, even though they’re all married. Hawkeye (cool name) is the main guy, and he drinks more martinis than James Bond, but isn’t quite as cool, probably because he secretly cares about stuff.

Then the Godfather’s consigliere shows up, and he loves God, and prays a lot, and the other guys hate him for it because they’re all atheists (except for the old Jewish guy from Ocean’s 12). But it’s okay, because they make fun of the consigliere with a Christian war song march.

We can’t tell if they’re good doctors or not, even though they do a lot of surgeries, because we never see their patients or if they live or not. But trust me, these guys are no Dr. House, there’s lots of blood, and they don’t seem nearly as smart. Although, they do have a pretty House moment when they cure a guy’s gayness and bonerloss by tricking a nurse into sleeping with him once he thinks he’s dead. Then they never talk about it again, like all bonerloss.

Also, at one point, they try to buy a Chinese kid, but his dad’s like “No way, my son has high blood pressure.” And they’re like “Damn it!” The best part’s probably when they listen to Hot Lips have sex with the Christian Consigliere guy. That was pretty funny.

They also go to Japan and play golf, and the sergeant there is like “You guys are terrible doctors,” but Hawkeye and Ocean’s 12 are like “That’s not true, we’re great. We’re just awful people.” Then I think they get court-martialed, or maybe not, but they do have to play against the Army in football (I thought they were the Army???), and somehow find tons of equipment just lying around. I honestly don’t know who won, but the game went on forever. By the end, I was pretty bored. I expected some fighting to happen, since it’s a war movie, or at least more jokes like the TV show. This is why you should never make movies out of TV shows, they won’t be as good.

Oh, at the end, they all get to go home. Nobody even dies.

MASH Drinking Game:

Just drink when Hawkeye makes weird sounds. You’ll get it when you see it.

Any movie that has a retarded guy as the main character wins Oscars, sure, but are they ever any good? After you’ve seen Forrest Gump you’ll know the answer: yeah. I never saw this until now, because I was always like “How can a little gimp boy always be running around? Doesn’t make sense.” But then someone explained how he couldn’t run until he really needed to, and then I was like “Alright.” So I watched it.

Forrest Gump: Five Stars

Forrest Gump is this weird guy who lives at a bus stop and tells people about growing up and doing crazy stuff. When he starts the story he’s a weird kid living somewhere in the south in this big house that his mom uses as a hotel for some reason and his legs are all crippled and clamped in weird metal things and this girl Jenny’s always running around with him (well, not running, but, you know). He likes it fine, even though people tease him for being a stupid retarded cripple who can’t walk. But Jenny hates it because her dad beats her up or something and so she’s always climbing into trees and crying.

One day Forrest has to run really fast to get away from some mean people, and Jenny’s all: “Run!” He starts running, but the braces are on his legs and they’re creaking and slowing him down but then they break off and he’s cured. It’s a miracle. Oh, before that he meets Elvis and shows him how to dance.

Right, so, his legs are better and he plays football and he’s really good but he never stops running. This makes practice very difficult. Then he’s in the army and he’s always running around there too, and his Lieutenant Dan’s mean, but in a nice way so you still like him. Then everybody in Vietnam gets blown up, and Forrest runs around saving them, especially Bubba but he can’t save Bubba because Bubba’s pretty dead already. So he saves Lt. Dan.

Dan’s all pissed because he doens’t have legs and can’t walk around so he still acts mean to Forrest even though Forrest got shot in the butt for him. Forrest is really good at ping pong and beats China in the ping pong championships and Richard Nixon talks with him about bathrooms and soda pop.

He and Lt. Dan start fishing for stuff and make a lot of money but Dan’s always falling into the water and nearly drowning so Forrest has to save him. Forrest’s mom is really old now and she dies and he decides he should run across the world, and he does that about a million times and makes up a bunch of funny t-shirts until he decides he doesn’t want to do that anymore because he has a big beard that gets in the way of his legs.

After the running, Jenny’s crazy on drugs but she and Forrest make out in the pool in Washington and then she tries to kill herself but doesn’t and then she has Forrest’s baby but she dies and they bury her and Forrest cries a lot. He takes his kid to school, and the kid’s pretty cute and stuff and Forrest’s sad but he lives in the big house hotel again so he’s happy.

When he finishes his story everybody on the bus is all, “that’s sad, but a good story,” and this feather floats around longer than any feather ever should.